Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. The experience of limerence is different from love or lust in that it is based on the uncertainty that the person you desire, called the “limerent object” in the literature, also desires you. Since limerence is the desire to be desired, it is a cognitive experience, as well as a physical and emotional one. As the focus of limerence is whether or not the object of desire reciprocates the feelings, rather than actually falling in love with the person, it is almost always one-sided.
The experience of limerence can include obsessional thinking about the object of one’s limerent desire, an irrationally positive evaluation of that person’s attributes, and a longing for reciprocation. Limerence can make a person feel ecstatic, their mental life focused on a passionate, anxious desire. It can also result in a state of agony if and when the feelings are not reciprocated.
Limerence often lacks a discernible starting point, wrote psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence. It does not require sexual attraction , although the person needs to be someone with whom you could at least imagine yourself.
At the beginning of a limerent reaction, an individual will often think about the person to whom they’re attracted, and, importantly, doing so will bring them considerable pleasure.
Key Takeaways
- Limerence affects mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing
- Understanding limerence is the first step toward managing it
- Evidence-based approaches can significantly improve outcomes
- Building daily habits is more effective than one-time interventions
The Experience of Limerence
During an experience of limerence, thoughts about an individual’s limerent object may be persistent and intrusive. Physically, the individual may feel a racing heart, a flushed face, and jitters or weakness when they think of the person. Behaviorally, the individual feels heightened anxiety and fear , lest they do or say something around the object of their desires that will be a turn-off. The individual may feel self-conscious and hyper-aware of how they look, what they say, and how they seem, even down to the level of posture and word choice.
Uncertainty is necessary for limerence. An individual must not know how the object of their desire truly feels about them and will typically conceal their feelings for the other person as well, to the best of their ability, until they are more certain the other person reciprocates their feelings.
“It is an interpretation of events, rather than the events themselves,” wrote Tennov. “You admire, you are physically attracted, you see, or think you see the hint of possible reciprocity, and the process is set in motion.”
According to psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term when she wrote Love and Limerence in 1979, it isn’t. Healthy individuals can find themselves in a state of limerence they would never have expected. When they recover from the experience, their lives often go back to normal.
Others argue that limerence can be considered a psychiatric condition insofar as it interferes with the individual’s functioning in day-to-day life. There is debate about whether limerence should be added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , but so far it has not been.
Infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. During infatuation, the individual begins to notice the other person and recognize their positive qualities. During crystallization, the individual experiences the obsessive, anxious, and ecstatic intensity of their feelings. Upon deterioration, the idealization of the object of the individual’s limerence begins to wear off, as do the intensity of the feelings.
Frequently Asked Questions
What exactly is limerence?
Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. The experience of limerence is different from love or lust in that it is based on the uncertainty that the person you desire, called the “limerent object” in the literature, also desires you. Since limerence is the desire to be desired, it is a cognitive experience, as well as a physical and emotional one. As the focus of limerence
Is limerence a serious condition?
Limerence exists on a spectrum. While mild forms are a normal part of life, persistent or severe limerence can significantly impact daily functioning and quality of life. It's important to seek professional support if limerence is interfering with work, relationships, or wellbeing.
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