The dissolution of a marriage is almost always an upsetting event, at the very least marked by disappointment and the loss of dreams and expectations.
Why People Get Divorced
One of the most significant events of the 20th century was a change in the roles women could take on in private and public life, allowing women more opportunities for satisfaction and happiness . With a shift in roles inside and outside the house came a necessary—and often contentious—shift in the division of responsibilities inside the home, one of many factors fueling a highly publicized rise in divorce rates and liberalization of divorce laws.
Infidelity has long been a leading cause of divorce, along with financial upheavals. But one consequence of liberalized attitudes to divorce is a major addition to that list—the search for emotional closeness. Individuals today have high expectations for relationship satisfaction.
Research suggests that common reasons for divorce include lack of intimacy, lack of commitment, infidelity, and basic incompatibility. Other prevalent causes are constant conflict, financial differences, addiction , and abuse. Many people articulate the root of their divorce as a betrayal—of expectations, hopes, and dreams for the marriage .
A therapist can help you reach a decision by exploring the struggles you’re facing, identifying whether or not those problems can be resolved, creating a realistic picture of what life would look like afterward, and how your children could be affected and protected. In the process of answering these questions, a moment of clarity often emerges.
How to Heal from Divorce
Divorce is as much an emotional process as it is a legal process, and It takes courage to start the process of splitting. One or both partners may experience waves of self-doubt. Both need an array of skills to work out the inevitable conflicts and disappointments that arise.
During divorce, two people must come to terms with the relationship failure, set up emotionally and usually financially independent lives, and put the relationship firmly in the past. It is important to understand and accept the role each partner played in the relationship breakdown. It is often helpful for divorcing partners to set up rules of engagement to limit contact with each other. The outside perspective of a professional counselor can be especially beneficial.
Eventually, the emotional turbulence subsides and it becomes possible—and necessary—to incorporate a richly nuanced story of the relationship, its failure, the divorce, and the resulting emotional growth into one's identity . Many exes find it helpful to adopt some kind of ritual—such as an exchange of letters or gifts—to mark the end, acknowledging a past together and moving toward a future apart.
A divorce can lead to deep or surprising losses. For parents, spending less time with children often hits hardest, in addition to the partnership of sharing in a child’s successes and disappointments. People may feel that they’ve lost their best friend, family traditions, financial security, and vision for the future. Acknowledging these losses is the first step toward healing.
How Divorce Affects Children
Divorce usually breaks up a household and its routines. Children need assurance that they are still loved by both parents and that they will not be abandoned. They also need to be spared any conversations in which one parent denigrates the other for any reason. It is usually not the actual divorce that harms children but seeing their parents fight and in distress.
Because every child reacts differently to divorce, parental response is best tailored to the needs of each child. Often, kids are scared, confused, angry, or disappointed in one or both parents. The stress of the split and readjustment to change—especially if a household move is involved—can heighten anxiety , increase irritability, create behavior problems, beget social withdrawal or difficulty sleeping . There may be a drop in classroom attentiveness, and grades may suffer.
Many of the effects of divorce on children are short lived and resolve within a year or two. But others may be longer lasting and play out in later attitudes toward romantic relationships .
Research shows that children are not necessarily affected by living with a single parent. Family conflict, however, can lead to struggles with mental health, self-esteem, school, and future relationships. The more parents work to reduce conflict, the better off children will be.
Explore More About Divorce
For a comprehensive understanding of divorce, read our complete guide: