Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is often cut short by separation or divorce .
How to Make Marriage Work
Marriage brings great joy to many but it also brings challenges, often profound ones. How a couple manages them often determines whether their relationship collapses or holds firm. Preserving long-term connection may require one or both partners to jettison misguided beliefs or dysfunctional habits that they themselves hold, while bearing in mind that trying to change a spouse tends to fail unless the individual also wants to change.
Marriage does more than change people’s living situation and daily routines; becoming a spouse appears to change one’s personality as well, especially in the early years of marriage. Men, for example, tend to become more conscientious and introverted than they were when single, and women more emotionally stable. But both tend to become less agreeable.
Relationship researchers John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman maintain that couples reveal the state of their bond in the way they speak about each other . Specifically, they refer to each other fondly; use “we” more than “I’ when speaking about their relationship; speak expansively and with detail about their past together; and express pride in surviving challenges rather than dwelling on their problems.
The idea of a “honeymoon period” is real: Most couples experience a general decline in satisfaction after the first years of marriage. Those who stay together, research shows, tend to share some habits. They act like they’re still dating ; remain focused on each other’s positive traits; express gratitude ; and recognize that external pressures may be causing them stress , rather than blaming each other.
People’s habits and personality traits remain fairly consistent, and so when couples express frustration with each other years into a marriage, it’s often about issues that were present when they first met . Those concerns are often ignored or put aside in the early stages of love. For this reason, relationship experts suggest that couples not dismiss things that bother them about potential spouses, and find ways to address them as early as possible.
Living with another person, and their habits and quirks, will always lead to conflict. How couples deal with it is a crucial indicator of whether they’ll be able to stay together. Partners who assume their spouses are doing the best they can , remain empathic toward the other person, speak honestly and compassionately about what bothers them, and seek solutions together rather than demanding change tend to be more successful.
Monogamy vs. Polygamy
Most marriages are monogamous, based on a romantic commitment to only one mate. Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one person at a time; men with multiple wives engage in polygyny , and women with multiple husbands engage in polyandry . In polygamous relationships, the primary, or first, wife or husband tends to have more power than other, younger spouses. In some polygamous unions, the spouses live in the same household, while in others, separate homes are maintained.
Human cultures generally did not embrace monogamy until the rise of monotheistic religions and the rise of urban communities. Before that, mankind was primarily polygamous. Evolutionary biologists believe that men being larger than women, dying younger, and being more interested in mating with multiple partners are all remnants of millennia of polygamy .
Polygamy remains an accepted or tolerated practice in some parts of the world , primarily in Asia, the Middle East, and Africa. It is illegal in the United States and Europe, due in part to concerns over coercion and child marriage, even though it is often portrayed in pop culture, in shows like Sister Wives and Big Love . But polyamory, or consensual nonmonogamy , is much more common in those regions than elsewhere.
Research suggests that people in open relationships are as satisfied personally and with their relationship as are their monogamous peers—but are more fulfilled sexually. Polyamorous relationships can thrive if partners establish boundaries that meet everyone’s needs , communicate effectively, and consciously practice the same relationship maintenance techniques as other couples.
Signs that your partner is deeply committed to building a future with you.
Signs that your partner is deeply committed to building a future with you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What exactly is marriage?
Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is often cut short by separation or divorce .
Is marriage a serious condition?
Marriage exists on a spectrum. While mild forms are a normal part of life, persistent or severe marriage can significantly impact daily functioning and quality of life. It's important to seek professional support if marriage is interfering with work, relationships, or wellbeing.
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