A trauma bond is an emotional attachment that can form in an abusive relationship, specifically the connection the victim feels toward the perpetrator.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond in a relationship involves a foundation of abuse, which may hinge on tactics such as threats of harm, manipulation, control, shaming , gaslighting , and sabotage, mixed with intermittent moments of calm and displays of affection. This pattern of highs and lows increases a victim’s unhealthy attachment to the abuser, which helps maintain the relationship.
The signs of being trauma-bonded include:
• You realize you don't like the person. For example, you may feel angry toward them but know it's unsafe to express your feelings. You may have physical reactions when near the person or when they touch you.
• Your relationship is built around guilt and shame. Abusive people leverage fear , obligation, and guilt. If you speak up for your needs, you are told you are selfish and demanding.
How to End a Trauma Bond and Heal From Abuse
A trauma bond can significantly damage one’s mental, emotional, and physical health. Cycles of intermittent positive and negative reinforcement make it extremely hard to walk away from these relationships.
Therefore, healing from a traumatic bond requires a comprehensive approach to intervention. Clinicians can educate patients on how traumatic bonds are formed and maintained; they can also provide concrete goals that help patients establish a safety plan, build self-reliance, establish firm boundaries , and increase their autonomy so they can begin to heal.
It’s very difficult to try to change the underlying dynamics of an abusive relationship. Therefore, an effective way to free yourself from a trauma bond is to decide to have no contact or low contact with the other person. This can be a complex process that requires deep thought and strong support. A mental health professional can assist you through that process. Support groups, such as intimate partner violence support groups, can be important and helpful as well.
One key mindset shift is learning to accept and love yourself rather than relying on someone else to love you. People in a trauma bond may be waiting for their partner, family member, or loved one to see their worth and love them—finally. But this is part of the cycle of a trauma bond, so an important skill in separating yourself is learning not to wait for others but to love yourself. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help with this process.
Explore More About Trauma Bonding
For a comprehensive understanding of trauma bonding, read our complete guide: