Consensual Nonmonogamy
How Does Polyamory Work?
Some polyamorous people have a primary relationship and engage in casual hookups, but most begin secondary relationships with the consent of their primary partner, to whom they are generally married or committed. Introducing a secondary partner requires the primary couple to agree on a set of stipulations, such as date times and the type of intimacy allowed. Research has found that, despite the complications, polyamory offers benefits ranging from greater satisfaction and extra help with child care to increased relationship commitment.
Many polyamorous relationships started out that way. Others began as committed relationships involving two partners, in which one expressed a strong desire to open things up. When your partner wants non-monogamy and you don’t , it can be a relationship-threatening challenge. Couples therapists have found that these situations often involve a partner making a last-ditch attempt to save a relationship, or seeking an excuse to get out. But when a partner’s interest is sincere, and the other’s openness to change is real, it can succeed, with small steps, consistent communication, and a willingness to admit when it’s not working.
New relationship energy, or NRE, is a common threat to polyamorous relationships . In this scenario, a new partner is welcomed into a polyamorous relationship, bringing excitement, fascination, and a glow that the original long-term partner may find threatening. Experienced polyamorists prepare for NRE and compensate for it: The partner bringing in the new person may remind themselves to devote more attention to their long-term partner, while the other may be patient and hold steady to their long-term commitment until NRE dissipates and their larger relationship takes a new shape.
It is a myth that polyamorous relationships are not based on commitment. Polyfidelity, for example, is a common form of polyamory in which all involved partners commit to being sexually exclusive with each other and not to have lovers outside of the group. Like anyone else, though, partners in nonmonogamous relationships cheat , and such betrayals are just as serious as those that threaten marriages; polyamorous bonds, just as any others, are built on a foundation of trust and depend on emotional fidelity and honesty.
The Benefits and Struggles of Polyamory
The reason why polyamorous relationships are not as common as others is not that people find them unappealing; interest in polyamory is in fact rising, and research on polyamorous partners finds them to be, on average, as least as satisfied with their relationships as others. But polyamorous relationships are highly challenging to construct and maintain. Simply finding a partner willing to enter a relationship with the same honesty and ground rules is difficult, especially in a culture that favors serial monogamy, and mismatched desire for polyamory also upends many partners, especially if one sees it as a lifestyle while the other perceives it as their sexual orientation. For this reason, communities arise in which those who are "poly" can meet, often initially online.
In the culture at large, many people cannot imagine that consensual nonmonogamy can make people happy : The very idea of a committed partner sleeping with someone else is an immediate deal breaker. Research, however, finds that people in polyamorous relationships are in fact, often quite happy with their arrangements: They report the same levels of relationship satisfaction as married partners, as well as high sexual satisfaction. Studies also suggest that such people have better communication skills, higher levels of trust, and lower tendencies toward jealousy than married individuals.
People who relish social interaction, have found themselves to fall in love with more than one person at the same time, have a high sex drive, and are open to new experiences generally find more satisfaction in polyamory . But significantly, consensual nonmonogamy tends to require more work than a marriage, since it involves meeting the changing needs of more than one other person at a time, and may evolve in unexpected and complicated ways over time.
Some people truly don’t feel jealousy , though they are probably rare, and such individuals are more likely than others to find satisfaction in polyamory. Researchers studying polyamory, however, find that jealousy does arise in in such relationships, perhaps as often as in other connections, but that polyamorous partners tend to be more willing and prepared to deal with the feeling openly rather than suppressing it or letting it fuel anger .
Explore More About Polyamory
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