Parental alienation occurs when a child refuses to have a relationship with a parent due to manipulation by the other parent, such as the conveying of exaggerated or false information. The situation most often arises during a divorce or custody battle, but it can also happen in intact families.
What Is Parental Alienation?
The perpetrator of parental alienation may leverage a variety of tactics: A father could tell a child that the child's mother hates him and never wants to speak to them, when in reality the mother calls to speak to the child every day. A mother could convince her daughter to report—or even believe—that the father physically abused her. Offenders may blame the other parent for the collapse of the marriage , punish the child for wanting to pursue a relationship with that parent, or move away so that maintaining a relationship is extremely difficult.
Severely restricting the time a child can spend with the other parent, especially in defiance of court orders, is a core sign of parental alienation. Making negative comments about the other parent, blaming them for the divorce, making false accusations of abuse or neglect, and threatening to withhold affection if the child expresses positive feelings about the absent parent are hallmarks of parental alienation as well.
This experience can be deeply upsetting for a child, who may feel confused, sad, and lonely after the loss. Children may feel puzzled over why they still feel love toward a parent whom they've been told "hates" them so intensely. Yet they have no evidence to counter the other parent’s lies. They also cannot fully grieve their lost relationship because estrangement is uncertain and potentially prone to change.
Parental alienation has not yet been recognized as a diagnosable condition by the psychological community. However, brainwashing a child to hate a parent has been recognized by some courts in cases when robust evidence exists. Unfortunately, there have also been instances of false allegations of alienation for custody or financial purposes.
Parental Alienation in the Legal System
Parents can fight alienation in court, but they need to provide rigorous proof. A court may then mandate a reunification program, in which the child spends time with the alienated parent under supervision to rebuild the relationship. Treatment may also be needed to address the child’s trauma . Many relationships fractured by parental alienation can heal with time.
Parental alienation is handled through civil proceedings ; it is not an arrestable offense. Some observers, however, believe parental alienation should be criminalized due to the lasting damage it can inflict, while others believe that, since parental alienation remains difficult to prove and is not a diagnosable syndrome, criminalization is not justified.
The clinical understanding of parental alienation is evolving. It is not listed as a disorder in the DSM-5 , but some suggest that it could fall under “parent-child relational problem” as part of a set of concerns meriting clinical attention . Some researchers believe that the experience is a form of emotional child abuse and family violence .
Some scholars argue that any solution to parental alienation would require fundamental changes to the current system of divorce. Those changes would include recognizing parental alienation as a form of emotional child abuse, establishing shared parenting as a foundation of family law, forming prevention and reunification programs, and more effectively enforcing shared parenting orders.
Healing from Parental Alienation
Parental alienation can be deeply painful, but ostracized parents should know that they are not alone. Although it can be frustrating, they should aim to continue expressing only compassion and kindness for the estranged child, remaining calm rather than responding to the injustice with anger or rage. They should turn to friends, family, support groups, or mental health professionals as they cope with the strain.
When a child begins to spend time with the alienated parent, it can often help repair the relationship. Individual therapy for the alienating parent, the target parent, and the child can help throughout this process.
Children who have been led to believe, incorrectly, that a targeted parent did not love or want them can internalize hatred toward the targeted parent, and so they may struggle with self-esteem , guilt , and self-hatred . Depression and substance use are also pathways by which parental alienation can impact children.
The best course of action is to limit the child’s time with the alienating parent and increase their time with the targeted parent. When this finally happens, the child’s biased view of the targeted parent will often gradually clear; research shows that even severely damaged relationships can be repaired . The targeted parent can help by not denigrating the alienating parent or dismissing the child’s feelings during this time.
The Aftermath of Parental Alienation
Coming to recognize parental alienation as an adult can be a long and difficult journey. Many children develop a newer, more realistic understanding of their parents later in life. And while they are often grateful to develop a better relationship with the targeted parent, they may also struggle with the fallout of a strained or weaker relationship with the alienating parent.
Children very often come to recognize that they were victims of parental alienation in adulthood. However, the process is emotionally painful and can take years or even decades. Learning the signs and strategies of parental alienation, as well as speaking to the targeted parent to identify truths and falsehoods, can help children identify if they were victims of alienation.
It can be difficult to counteract the misperceptions that a parent instills in a child. But as an adult, children may be able to better understand the other parent’s perspective and the situation more broadly. In the case of one woman, her alienated father kept his distance until she was 17 before calmly explaining that not all of her mother’s claims were true. They were able to reconnect.
Parents of estranged children may continuously try to repair the relationship by reaching out, expressing empathy, and hoping to address the underlying problem. Yet there may come a time to stop, such as when the child is consistently hostile, threatens a restraining order, or, more positively, decides they need time but will be in touch.
Explore More About Parental Alienation
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