Domestic violence occurs when a person consistently aims to control their partner through physical, sexual , or emotional abuse . The United States Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.”
When Domestic Violence Becomes Part of Your Identity
Living with domestic violence over time can lead to a fusion of identity and diagnosis. You may find yourself thinking "I am domestic violence" rather than "I have domestic violence." This identity fusion has significant consequences:
- Reduces motivation (why try if this is just who I am?)
- Increases shame and stigma internalization
- Makes recovery feel like losing part of yourself
- Limits how others see you (and how you see yourself)
Reclaiming a Multidimensional Identity
Your identity is vastly larger than domestic violence. A powerful exercise: complete this sentence 20 times with anything other than your struggles:
"I am someone who ___________"
Values, roles, relationships, interests, history, capabilities — all form your identity.
Domestic Violence as One Chapter, Not the Whole Story
Narrative therapy offers a powerful reframe: domestic violence is one story in a much larger life narrative. You are the author, not the character defined by struggle.
Externalizing the problem: Practice talking about "Domestic Violence that visits me" rather than "my Domestic Violence." This linguistic shift creates psychological distance and agency.
Building Identity Beyond Domestic Violence
- Invest in relationships that see your full self, not just your struggles
- Pursue interests unrelated to mental health — art, sport, learning, creativity
- Find meaning — purpose larger than symptom management provides identity anchor
- Contribute to others — giving to others builds positive identity components
- Celebrate growth — document how you've changed, overcome, adapted
The Strengths That Domestic Violence Builds
Many people find that navigating domestic violence develops genuine strengths: deep empathy, resilience, self-awareness, creativity, and a hard-won wisdom about what matters in life.