Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic in which one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” The bond in question is not necessarily romantic; though the term is often used to describe couples, the same dynamic can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members.
What Is Codependency?
Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are lopsided , casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. By being caring, highly functional, and helpful, that person is said to support, perpetuate, or “enable” a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behavior. For example, helping an inebriated spouse navigate an embarrassing situation or providing living quarters for a substance-using adult child is said to be counterproductive, a way of forestalling recovery and actually perpetuating the problem.
According to this way of thinking, creating emotional distance from the troubled loved one is necessary and beneficial for the codependent partner: It is a way to expose them to the negative consequences of their behavior.
In being reliable, caring, and nurturing, the codependent partner is perceived to be exhibiting any number of weaknesses of his or her own—from low self-esteem and an excessive need to please others to poor interpersonal boundaries that make him or her feel responsible for the other’s problems.
Often, people who struggle with codependency are said to have been raised amidst dysfunctional family dynamics. They may have had a family member or close friend with an addiction or mental illness. They may also have experienced childhood trauma , which led them to feel anxious or insecure about relationships. However, it’s important to remember that anyone can fall into an unhealthy relationship pattern.
The Controversy Over "Codependency"
There is no scientific research supporting the concept of codependency. Despite the efforts of some to have codependency designated a personality disorder , it has never been accepted for inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders . Many mental health and relationship experts believe the term is inherently flawed and reject its use for many reasons.
Primarily, they argue that "codependency" pathologizes and stigmatizes healthy human behavior, particularly behavior that is loving and caring. There is abundant scientific evidence that human beings are wired to form enduring emotional bonds, and those bonds are not automatically abrogated by the onset of problematic behavior. In fact, the need for connection and the desire to maintain connection is so basic—as deeply rooted as the need for food and water—that isolation has been repeatedly shown to be destructive to both physical and mental health.
Further, it is natural that the missteps or suffering of a loved one stir empathy, compassion, and the desire to help, even to the point of putting the other’s needs ahead of one’s own. What’s more, codependency and enabling do not recognize the responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seeking change.
The controversial concept of codependency emerged in the substance abuse community in the 1980s and was originally applied to caretaking patterns seen among partners of alcoholics. It has since been applied not only to addictions in general but also to other kinds of mental health and behavioral problems, including domestic violence and emotional abuse , sometimes in ways that experts in these fields dispute. The term is also often used colloquially to describe close relationships without carrying any strict psychological meaning.
Explore More About Codependency
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