“You Should Have Known” Is Where Couples Go Wrong
Silent expectations can lead to misunderstanding.
Posted May 1, 2026 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Nina and Elise had always experienced their relationship—and each other—as emotionally intuitive. Nina, a Japanese immigrant and high school counselor, paid close attention to nuance in conversations and often sensed subtle shifts in mood. Elise, a French immigrant and graphic designer, valued clarity and efficiency yet took pride in being attentive to the people she cared about. Early in their relationship, both felt relieved by how naturally they seemed to understand each other.
They often described their relationship as easy. Both felt confident that the other would notice when something felt off. That sense of mutual emotional attunement became part of how they defined compatibility. Being well-matched, they believed, meant not having to explain everything directly.
Over time, however, that shared belief began shaping how they communicated needs and wants. Each assumed the other would recognize when support was needed. Each also believed that being perceptive demonstrated care and love. Without realizing it, they had begun relying heavily on the idea that understanding each other’s needs should happen naturally, without explanation.
Because both valued harmony, neither felt particularly inclined to challenge this assumption directly. Their closeness felt special, and neither wanted to risk disrupting that connection.
Crash: When Guessing Replaces Asking
The tension developed gradually. Nina had been preparing for a particularly demanding week at work that involved several emotionally complex meetings with students and parents. She mentioned feeling anxious about the week ahead but did not specify what kind of support might feel most helpful. Internally, she hoped Elise might recognize that this was a moment when she could use extra encouragement and attention.
Elise listened sympathetically and responded with reassurance that Nina was well prepared and capable of handling the conversations. She believed she had expressed confidence in Nina’s abilities and did not want to add pressure by asking too many questions.
As the week unfolded, Nina began feeling frustrated and disappointed that Elise did not ask more about how the meetings had gone. Each evening, she waited for questions that never quite came. Elise, meanwhile, believed she was showing respect by giving Nina space to reflect and decompress.
Neither partner was consciously testing the other, yet both were quietly evaluating whether they felt understood. Nina began interpreting Elise’s relative quiet as a lack of emotional care. Elise sensed that Nina seemed slightly withdrawn but did not know what had changed.
By the end of the week, the misalignment felt noticeable, though neither could point to a specific conflict. Nina wondered whether Elise was less interested in her inner world than she had previously believed. Elise wondered whether Nina was upset with her but did not know how or when to bring it up.
In Love. Crash. Rebuild. , rupture often begins not with overt disagreement but with unmet expectations that remain unspoken. When partners rely on guessing instead of communicating directly, each may feel frustrated and let down even when both are acting with care.
Rebuild: Making Expectations Clear and Shared
Nina first recognized that she was feeling hurt by something she had never clearly communicated to Elise. She had hoped Elise would recognize how emotionally demanding the week had been and respond with more attention. Elise, for her part, believed she had been supportive by allowing Nina time and space after long workdays.
Pause allowed them to see that neither a lack of care nor a lack of effort had created the tension. Instead, both had been relying on assumptions about what the other needed.
Nina acknowledged that she had expected Elise to recognize her need for more engagement without stating it directly. Part of her hesitancy came from wanting to feel understood without having to ask.
Elise acknowledged that she often interpreted reduced communication as a signal to provide space. She believed she was being respectful and supportive by not pressing for details when Nina appeared tired. To Elise, this was an important way of showing care.
Both recognized that they had been hoping their needs would be understood without explanation. Neither had intended to create distance, yet both could see how relying on guessing had shaped their interpretations of each other.
As they discussed the situation, Nina and Elise began exploring what helped each of them feel supported during demanding periods. Nina described feeling most cared for when someone asked thoughtful questions that showed interest in her emotional experience. Elise described feeling most respectful when she allowed another person to decide how much they wanted to share.
Collaboration helped them see that their approaches were not incompatible but incomplete when left unspoken. Rather than deciding whose approach was correct, they focused on how to make their expectations more clear to each other.
They began viewing communication not as evidence of incompatibility but as an opportunity to refine how they cared for each other.
They began experimenting with small adjustments. Nina practiced being more direct when anticipating emotionally demanding periods, sometimes simply sharing that she might appreciate more check-ins than usual. Elise practiced asking open-ended questions without assuming that Nina needed space.
Questions such as, “Would it help to talk about how today went?” allowed Nina to decide how much she wanted to share.
These adjustments reduced the pressure on both partners to interpret subtle signals perfectly. Communication began to feel more collaborative and less dependent on guessing correctly.
As their expectations became clearer, moments that might previously have created quiet disappointment became easier to navigate. Nina felt more comfortable expressing her needs directly, while Elise felt more confident that asking questions would be experienced as supportive rather than intrusive.
Reset did not eliminate differences in communication style. Nina continued to value emotional reflection, and Elise continued to value respecting personal space . What changed was their shared confidence that clarity strengthened connection rather than diminishing it.
Many couples equate compatibility with mind-reading . When partners rely on intuition and guessing to understand each other’s needs, misunderstandings can occur even in caring relationships.
Guessing can create the illusion of emotional attunement. Over time, unspoken expectations can lead both partners to feel frustrated and disappointed by outcomes that were never clearly expressed.
The PACER process (pause, accountability, collaboration, experiment, reset) helps couples recognize that connection does not depend on perfect intuition. Relationships often strengthen when partners allow expectations to become discussable rather than assume that understanding should occur automatically.
Repair becomes more likely when partners view communication not as evidence of disconnection but as a shared responsibility that allows care to become more explicit and reliable.
Borg, M. B., Jr., & Miyamoto-Borg, H. (2025). Love. Crash. Rebuild.: Alternatives to distance, destruction, and divorce. Las Vegas, NV: Central Recovery Press. https://www.centralrecoverypress.com/product/love-crash-rebuild
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Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D., is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, and author of Don’t Be a Dick and the Irrelationship series. Co-author of Love. Crash. Rebuild. , focusing on conflict, repair, and resilience.
Haruna Miyamoto-Borg, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in work with couples, families, and individuals. Co-author of Love. Crash. Rebuild. , focusing on conflict, repair, and resilience.
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