You, Me, and Anxiety—How We Cope Together
Our styles of managing anxiety can pull us together or apart.
Posted May 22, 2026 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
What do you do when you feel anxious? According to psychologists Mueller and Kell, we have three learned, basic options for managing our anxiety : avoid, block, or approach. Here are the characteristics of each:
As the word implies, folks who tend to avoid their anxiety often push the source to the side, whether it is a situation—like a social event—or a specific problem, like doing their taxes. The feelings of anxiety—the shakiness, the obsessing, the sense of being overwhelmed—are for them the front-burner problem they focus on and try to eliminate—by avoiding the social situation or taxes, or by numbing the feelings with drugs or alcohol .
While avoiders feel their anxiety, blockers often do not, because they learned long ago how to keep it out of their lives. How do they do this? By staying within a narrow channel of routines, rules, and behaviors—rigidity. And should a potentially anxious situation arise—for example, their partner complains about them—they will literally ignore it or shut down and not hear it.
Like avoiders, approachers feel their anxiety, but unlike avoiders, they don’t simply try to avoid or suppress it. Instead, they’ve learned to see anxiety as part and parcel of either learning something new—tasks for a new job, for example—or solving a problem—the social situation or doing their taxes. Once they solve the problem, they’ve learned, the anxiety goes away. This is obviously the best way to handle anxiety.
But what happens when two individuals with distinct styles come together in a work or personal relationship? How do their styles affect each other? Here are various combinations:
We can easily imagine the results: With both tending to push problems aside, they are never truly solved but instead swept under the rug, periodically creating a crisis that often requires someone from the outside to take charge or bail out.
But I’ve also noticed that, particularly in intimate relationships, individuals form what I call protection pacts: Each becomes hypersensitive to any increase in the other’s anxiety and will instinctively step in to distract, essentially “protecting” the other and the overall relationship from further anxiety.
Blockers can be seductive to avoiders. Here is someone, says the avoider, who seems to have it all together. Unlike me, they are never rattled—my hero; they can help me feel safe. But blockers aren’t good role models, and over time, the avoider finds out that the blocker is rigid, controlling at times, listens poorly, and is often unsympathetic to the avoider's emotions and needs. The avoider often gets fed up and eventually leaves.
Unlike blockers, approachers are good role models. Like a sensitive parent who can guide and support the anxious child in taking baby steps toward what they fear , the approacher—partner, supervisor, or therapist—can guide and support the other. Over time, the avoider learns these skills and, like the approacher, handles problems rather than avoiding them.
Unlike the two avoiders who can go around in circles together, two blockers can learn to get along well enough if each allows the other to stay in their comfort zones. In close relationships, they often coexist by dividing up psychological and practical turf: You take care of the kids; I’ll bring in the money. You take care of the inside of the house; I’ll take care of the outside. By living in these somewhat compartmentalized, parallel universes, they get along. What’s missing, of course, is any real intimacy or growth.
While approachers can serve as good role models for blockers, blockers often feel that the approachers are constantly pushing them out of their comfort zones. They may resent the pressure, rationalize that what the approacher is asking them to do is ridiculous or unnecessary. At some point, the approacher becomes frustrated, and the blocker leaves.
Approach and approach
This is the best of all the combinations. Because both can tackle problems and learn new skills, they can be creative together, feeding off each other in a positive way. There is energy for new ideas; they can be supportive, challenge each other, and be intimate. Think of Steve Jobs and his partner, Steve Wozniak, co-founders of Apple; think of the best, creative couple you know.
Where are you? How do you manage your anxiety? How does it affect your work and personal relationships? What role do you play? What do you both need to move toward this approach-approach ideal?
Start by working on yourself: changing your patterns, seeking help to learn to approach your anxiety rather than avoid it, or stepping out of your rigid ways. Then have those hard conversations about the state of the relationship and explore ways to help each other move forward.
Mueller, W. & Kell, B. (1972). Coping with conflict: Supervising counselors & psychotherapists. New York: Appleton-Century-Crofts.
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Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.