Working With the Inner Child
Exploring self-attunement and how it can help with chronic illness
Posted April 15, 2026 | Reviewed by Davia Sills
“Working with one’s inner child” is one of those psychotherapy concepts that has become mainstream. This post explores the concept in general and as it relates to living well with chronic illness .
What is an “inner child”? We developed into the people we are today over a long period of time. Each of us was a newborn, an infant, a child, and an adolescent. Our experiences in each of these developmental stages shaped and continue to shape us. Our beliefs about self, others, and the world began to take shape in our earliest days. “Each developmental age is not left behind but forms one small part of all that we are.” (Sjoblom et al., 2016).
Children are vulnerable. They do not have the cognitive and physical capabilities of adults. Thus, they are highly dependent on their parents and caregivers. Children learn from the adults who care for them how to respond to their own emotions.
Think for a moment of a child who—frustrated or sad or weary—cries. Let’s imagine that her caregiver scowls at her and barks, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” This child has learned that expressing her emotions is dangerous because it provokes anger and exasperation in others.
A more optimal caregiver response to a crying child would be an expression of empathy (a felt sense of the child’s distress), curiosity (wondering with the child what has caused her tears), and compassion (a wish to comfort). We would call this response “attunement” to the child (Lamagna, 2011).
When a child grows up with their experiences met with attunement, they learn to become attuned to themselves. As they grow up, they will respond to their own distress with empathy, curiosity, and compassion. As their caregivers are attuned to them, so they will learn to attune to themselves (Lamanga, 2011).
Connecting With the Lost Child
Sometimes, as we grow up, we lose touch with our child self (Hestbech, 2018). We may not remember our childhood at all, or we may have hazy memories. Our emotions as adults can be clues helping us reconstruct what it felt like to be the child we once were.
For example, we may feel very safe and content when we are engaged in particular activities or relationships. An adult who loves to read, for instance, may be able to trace that love to the experience of having been read to by a parent. Making these connections back to positive childhood memories can feel meaningful.
Often, painful experiences as adults can also be traced back to childhood memories. We may notice, for example, that we become very angry at ourselves when we make a simple mistake. Perhaps we think or say, “I’m so stupid! Nobody could possibly love someone so dumb!” Trace this feeling back and try to recall early memories of mistakes. How did your parents respond to your errors? Were they attuned to you as a little person trying your best, or were they impatient or even angry?
Once you link your own lack of self-attunement to the attunement you didn’t receive as a child, allow yourself to feel self-compassion. I invite you to picture yourself as a child in a particular experience where you did not get what you needed from your parents. Let your adult self look at your child self as if you are watching a film or looking at a photograph.
Take your time. How did your child self feel when she was not attuned to? Angry, sad, bereft, betrayed? Lonely , frightened, small, hopeless? Just be with your child self as you feel these emotions.
Now let your adult self move toward the child self you’ve found. What does your adult self want to say to your child self? What does your child self need to hear?
Ideally, your adult self can provide your inner child with the attunement that was not received during childhood. Perhaps your adult self can say something like, “You are so small, and you’re trying so hard! I can see how scared you are and how the adults around you are missing this. It’s OK to make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, and you didn’t deserve your parents’ anger. You also don’t deserve the anger I (adult self) keep throwing at you when I freak out over mistakes.”
Keep this inner child work in mind as you move through life. When you next make a mistake, remember this dialogue between your adult and child selves. Use your adult self's ability to attune to offer compassion and care for the vulnerabilities that show up in your adult life.
The Inner Child and Chronic Illness
As stated, children are vulnerable. We also know that adults, too, experience vulnerability. Chronic illness is one of those experiences that brings us into a vulnerable state.
Illness brings up feelings that can accompany vulnerability— fear , grief , anxiety , aloneness. As adults, we have the opportunity to attune to our vulnerable self in ways that may be different than what we received as children. If our childhood vulnerability was shamed, chastised, or ignored, we can break this pattern as adults by responding to the vulnerability caused by illness with compassion and care.
“Feeling felt by our own mind” (Lamagna, 2011) is a powerful and healing tool in providing ourselves with the attunement we always needed and deserved. In painful experiences like chronic illness, this attunement is especially important.
Hestbech, A. M. (2018). Reclaiming the inner child in cognitive-behavioral therapy: The complementary model of the personality. American Journal of Psychotherapy , 71 (1), 21-27.
Lamagna, J. (2011). Of the self, by the self, and for the self: An intra-relational perspective on intra-psychic attunement and psychological change. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration , 21 (3), 280.
Sjöblom, M., Öhrling, K., Prellwitz, M., & Kostenius, C. (2016). Health throughout the lifespan: The phenomenon of the inner child reflected in events during childhood experienced by older persons. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-Being, 11(1), 31486.
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Katie Willard Virant, MSW, JD, LCSW , is a psychotherapist practicing in St. Louis.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.