Working with Fears of Death
Beyond avoidance of the fear of death.
Posted May 4, 2026 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Death is part of being alive. And thinking about death is part of being human.
Unbidden thoughts arise—sometimes quietly, sometimes like a jolt—catching us off guard and unsettling our sense of safety.
Just the other day, I was soaking in a warm bubble bath when, out of nowhere, a thought flashed through my mind: At any moment, I could receive a dire diagnosis—and that would be it. The end of my life.
These kinds of fears are not new to me. As a child, I would lie awake a t night, terrified I might not wake up. I worried my heart would simply stop beating. Thankfully, my parents offered steady reassurance, and eventually that phase passed, as most phases do.
But the thoughts never disappeared entirely.
Now, as an adult, when fears of death arise, I wonder:
How would I cope? Who would miss me? Why is this coming up right now? What should I do with this feeling?
Turning Toward, Not Away
Since learning about emotions and developing the Change Triangle, I’ve made a commitment: I tend to my emotions instead of automatically avoiding them.
I wasn’t always this way. Before I understood how emotions work, I struggled with clinical depression —twice. Now, working the Change Triangle is part of my daily self-care. It’s not just a tool for healing, it’s a tool for prevention.
Because here’s what I’ve learned: When we can be with our fears, they lose their power to haunt us. Death anxiety is a “toughie.” But it’s workable. Here are a few ways I meet it.
1. Use a Defense—On Purpose
Sometimes, the most skillful move is to gently set the thought aside. Avoidance gets a bad rap, but defenses are not the enemy—they are emotional protection. The key is using them consciously. If I’m in the middle of something important, I might say to myself: Not now. I’ll come back to this later. And often, the thought passes.
Nevertheless, the cost of avoidance is that deeper emotions and needs may go unattended. When we chronically avoid emotions, those feelings tend to resurface as symptoms like anxiety, physical tension, or depression.
So the question becomes: Is now a moment to set this aside—or a moment to turn toward it?
2. Get Curious: What Is This Really About?
If the fear lingers, I shift from avoidance to curiosity.
3. Tend to the Emotions in the Body
From an AEDP perspective, emotions are not just thoughts—they are physical experiences. So instead of staying in my head, I drop my attention below the neck. With fear, I might notice:
Then I do something simple but powerful:
I stay with the sensation .
I breathe slowly and deeply with the technique of deep belly breathing. I let go of the storyline and focus only on the body. I track the feeling as it moves, intensifies, and softens.
Often, if I stay long enough, something shifts. The fear peaks—and then begins to release. Sometimes memories or images arise. Sometimes there’s clarity. Sometimes just relief. In AEDP, we call this riding the full wave of a core emotion until completion.
This is how we metabolize emotion. Working with emotions in this way is truly transformational.
4. Return to the Present Moment
Ultimately, the goal is not to eliminate thoughts of death—it’s to not get stuck in them. When fear has been acknowledged and processed, we can gently guide ourselves back to now .
This grounds the nervous system and reminds us: Right now, I am alive and OK.
Thoughts about death are inevitable. But suffering from them is not. As Irvin Yalom (2008) reminds us, “Though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death may save us.” When we meet these thoughts with curiosity instead of avoidance, they guide us back to what matters most: connection to both our deepest self and to others, meaning, and being fully alive in this moment. W e can build a deep and resilient capacity to face life’s hardest truths.
Fosha, D. (2000). The transforming power of affect: A model for accelerated change . Basic Books.
Hendel, H.J. (2018). It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect With Your Authentic Self. Random House.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness . North Atlantic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory . Norton.
Yalom, I. D. (2008). Staring at the sun: Overcoming the terror of death . Jossey-Bass.
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Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW , is the author of It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self , among others.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.