Why We Do What We Do
Everyone has something that shapes them most. What’s yours?
Posted May 19, 2026 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Just as a river shapes a canyon, our emotions run through us, shaping our everyday lives. Some propel us in a positive direction, while others are the monkey on our backs, keeping us from moving forward, sabotaging our happiness . Knowing what these drivers are allows us to step back, focus on solutions, and reset our priorities. Here are seven common ones, ranked from most negative to most positive. See which ones are running you the most:
Talk about a monkey on your back; this is the most powerful. Addictions take over your life, dictate what you focus on and what you do, and are the drain you constantly circle around, whether it is alcohol , sex , drugs, work, etc. Your life is not your own; you lose your sense of choice and control.
Unlike addictions, depression is on a continuum: The gray day when you lack energy and don’t care is different from the series of days when you can’t get out of bed or have suicidal thoughts. Regardless of its severity, all depression feels like an undertow, pulling at your life, dragging you down, draining your energy. At its mildest, it creates a why-bother-it-doesn’t-matter attitude; at its worst, you feel trapped, stuck at the bottom of a well, unable to get out, and, in some cases, ready to give up.
Another continuum. Where depression often pulls you into the past and regrets—what you did, what you shouldn’t have done, what others did to you— anxiety is always about the future—the what-ifs. It’s like galloping a horse you can’t control, one that keeps you up at night and leads you down rabbit holes of worst-case scenarios; you learn you need to stay alert and look around corners. You may be genetically wired for this or have lived with anxious or volatile parents, but regardless of the source and its shape, anxiety always feels like the world is unsafe.
Anger seems to be the opposite of anxiety: power, pushback, and a take-no-prisoners stance, in contrast to the images of anxiety as quivering, overwhelmed, and powerless.
But often, anger and anxiety are joined at the hip, opposite sides of the same coin. In the same environment, the anxious child learned to think ahead or retreat, while the angry child learned to step up and push back. Both are essentially responding to an unsafe world, though in different ways.
If anxiety can make the world feel overwhelming and stop you in your tracks, anger can turn the world into a battle zone you’re constantly fighting against. You blame, you’re defensive, and your short fuse leaves those around you walking on eggshells or pushing back. Anger, like any battle, is destructive, and angry people leave a trail of victims and destroyed relationships.
#5: Rules, shoulds, routines
Here we move up the ladder into more neutral territory. Rules are the most forceful, most bullish of the three, the land of black and white: You have to clear your plate or never talk back to your parents—commandments inherited from parents and authority figures. Violating rules brings heavy waves of guilt and, from others, emotional retribution and overreaction.
Shoulds are the milder cousin of rules, but like rules, they are adopted from parents and authority figures: You should thank your mother for her gift; you should pick up the towel in the bathroom rather than leave it on the floor. They benignly shape your life, putting you on autopilot. Whether you want to thank your mom or move the towel never enters consciousness. But if you don’t do it, you feel guilty.
Routines, the mildest of the three, help us organize our lives into predictable patterns, reducing the anxiety of planning our days from scratch. Less guilt, fewer options. But like shoulds, routines can put us on autopilot; whether we enjoy what we’re doing never comes into play. We do what we do because we do it.
Moving up our ladder of rankings, we can think of values as an upgraded, adult version of shoulds. While shoulds come from others, values are chosen by the adult you. In contrast to the shoulds that dictate how not to feel guilty and how to stay out of trouble, values shape your life by defining what it means to be a good adult. Yes, if you violate them, you may feel guilt, but it has less sting than it does with shoulds; you can self-correct and recenter quickly. If routines are the subflooring of your life, values are the overarching framework.
#7: Passion and excitement
This is our pinnacle, where you want to spend most of your time. You’re not driven by addiction , depression, and anxiety, or by routines and shoulds, but by what life offers. While you can’t live there all the time—life itself will require doing what you’re not passionate about—it should ideally be a major part of your life equation. Passion and excitement tell you what you want rather than what you should do; they point you to your purpose and curiosity, leading you into the thick of your life, where your talents and visions are guideposts to the ultimate question: Why am I here?
These are the common drivers, but you may think of others or some combination in your own life. But we’re back to our opening question: What drives you most; what makes you do what you do? Are there things you need to change: addiction monkeys to get off your back, new lenses to try on to help you see life differently, values to replace the past and guide you in the future, or passions you too quickly dismiss as stupid, unimportant, or impossible, yet that tell you what is missing from your life?
Step back: What are the next steps that will bring you closer to becoming your true self?
Taibbi, R. (2018). Boot camp therapy. New York: Guilford.
Share this post Facebook Bluesky Linkedin Email
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy
Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.