Why Do People Divorce?

It turns out that the most common reasons are anyone’s guess.

Posted February 22, 2020 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

Recently an interviewer asked me why people divorce. Seems like a simple question, right? However, a review of the research shows that statistics vary widely from one study to another.

In fact, this is a harder question than one might think. Is there a "final straw," such as an affair? Or a long-term "slow burn," such as lack of communication or lack of commitment?

One reason might be that the research data is based on what people report as the reason for divorce, which might be the "final straw" without mentioning the context or long-term problems. For example, one respondent might say, "He had an affair" ("last straw"), and the underlying reason might be "lack of intimacy " ("slow burn"). Some studies say that " infidelity" is the biggest reason , others say "lack of commitment," and yet others say "basic incompatibility."

In this article, I'll share the reasons that come up most often. However, they are not in any particular order because the research is not definitive.

In my work with clients, I have seen that "betrayal" underlies most of the reasons given for divorce, although not necessarily infidelity . When my clients report a betrayal of their wedding vows, they often describe a betrayal of their hopes and dreams . The starry-eyed bride and groom find that their expectations are not met, and their despair may lead to conflict, acting out, addiction , withdrawal, and the eventual breakdown of the relationship.

Here are the most cited issues that people report as their reasons for divorce:

Other issues that are often cited as reasons for divorce:

John Gottman's research found that pre-marital counseling often inoculates marriage against future divorce. His research also showed that by the time couples come to marital counseling, it is often too late. It may be a last-ditch effort to resuscitate the relationship, but someone is already "leaning out" of the marriage.

When you see signs of trouble, I suggest that you take steps immediately. If you sweep your concerns under the rug or assume that the problems will take care of themselves, you are inviting divorce into your life. If you and your spouse are willing to invest in the relationship, the inevitable problems that arise in marriage can often be resolved. Find an experienced marital therapist in your area to guide you through the tough times.

If you or your spouse decides to divorce, choose an amicable path, such as a "Collaborative Divorce." The adversarial route will cause many long-term problems. Remember, you once loved this person. Perhaps you still do. Divorce respectfully so that you can both heal and move on.

https://institutedfa.com/Leading-Causes-Divorce/

https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divo…

https://www.insider.com/why-people-get-divorced-2019-1

https://www.gottman.com/

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Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. , is the author of The Parent's Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.