Why We Can Feel Lonely Even Around the People We Love
Loneliness comes from feeling unseen, not from a lack of people.
Posted January 7, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Years ago, a friend showed me his collection of paintings. I remember wondering why all of them were in grey and black tones. Then he showed me one painting, his favorite. Trees, a lake in between, fog. All in black and grey.
At the time, I did not know that this simple conversation about art would later help me understand the concept of loneliness , and why celebrations and holidays can feel empty when you’re inward-oriented.
He asked for my opinion. I told him that if there were more colors, the painting could be quite beautiful, but as it was, it felt depressive to me.
He said it is not always about bright colors. Dark and grey tones can give an image more depth and strength than bright colors ever could. Also, it can show the rawness of a story and make it more powerful.
I was not convinced. I even took a picture of the painting, thinking I would look at it again later.
And it took me years to understand.
At first, the paintings looked sad and heavy. As I looked closer at the fog, the lake, the dark trees, I started to see the raw beauty in them.
Think of it this way: In a painting, colors are like the people in your life. They add richness, but they do not make the painting come alive. That happens when someone sees the depth beneath the surface.
Friends, crowds, and celebrations can be bright and lively, like colors on a canvas. But for some people, those colors also cover something raw and messy, something they might even call ugly (though it may not be ugly to the world) , but that is still part of who they are.
Psychologically, many people are outward-oriented , meaning they regulate emotions and feel safe through external stimulation such as social interaction, sensory input, and structured environments. This outward orientation provides predictability and a sense of belonging (Mazzola et al., 2014; Vitale & Bonaiuto, 2024).
Others are more inward-oriented , relying on internal processes for regulation. They tend to turn inward, feeling comfortable with quiet, low stimulation, and solitary reflection, and find meaning through inner experience rather than external engagement (Mazzola et al., 2014; Vitale & Bonaiuto, 2024).
Understanding how we process connection, inwardly or outwardly, helps explain why some people feel lonely, even when surrounded by others.
Loneliness Is Not the Same as Being Alone
Another concept that took me years to understand was loneliness. A friend once told me he sometimes felt lonely even when he was with his partner. Back then, it was confusing for me. How is it possible to feel lonely with the partner?
He explained it this way: You can stand in front of a painting, but still not really see it.
Now I understand that loneliness is not about how many people are around us, but about whether someone really sees, hears, and understands you.
McKee et al. (2012) found that unmet emotional needs in close relationships create distress, even in the presence of others. Love alone does not fix this mismatch, awareness does.
Not everyone experiences connection the same way. Outward-oriented people thrive on shared routines, talking, and group activities. Inward-oriented people need quiet reflection, subtle attention , and deep emotional resonance (Jensen and Rauer, 2014).
Imagine a couple at a party. The outward-oriented partner feels connected just by being in the room with the group, energized by the social buzz. The inward-oriented partner may feel empty if their need for subtle attention and genuine presence is not met. Connection is not mere proximity, it is about relational closeness: the sense that someone is genuinely part of your inner world. Agnew et al. (2004) call this perceived self–other inclusion : feeling that “ you are part of me, and I am part of you. "
When partners are mismatched in this way, one may feel energetic and engaged whereas the other feels empty, even in the same room.
Is this a mismatch, or a fundamental incompatibility?
Some inward–outward pairings work beautifully when both understand the difference. Others slowly erode from chronic misattunement. Yet, when couples achieve this overlap, where each person feels seen and included in the other’s inner world, they tend to enjoy higher relationship satisfaction and greater stability over time (Gamarel & Golub, 2019).
Good news, the mismatch can be managed:
This is where identity begins to shift: as you notice what nourishes you, previous ways of connecting may no longer satisfy. Notice your patterns, experiment with what feels alive now, and honor differences without judgment.
What to Do When You Change?
We can draw a parallel between celebrations and being inward- or outward-oriented, and recognize that neither way is wrong.
As I mentioned, in paintings, bright colors catch our eye (celebrations, holidays, music that plays only once a year, decorations, traditions, home décor). But have you ever looked at a painting and realized you’re only seeing the surface? Sometimes, you do not feel the colors anymore. The excitement is gone . It feels empty and meaningless. And there is nothing wrong with that. Your identity has shifted.
The same happens with people: family, friends, and partners. Do you feel seen by them? If you don’t feel genuine connection, if they see only the bright colors on the canvas and never accept your dark side, you start to lose interest in that superficial connection. You may begin to distance yourself slowly.
You might ask, is something wrong with me? No. What’s happening is natural; your sense of self is evolving. An identity shift happens when old ways of making sense of life no longer fit. Roles, routines, and social expectations that once felt natural begin to feel heavy or hollow (Carr et al., 2021).
When people shift the way they see themselves, behaviors naturally follow. Old patterns no longer fit with who they are becoming (Kearney & O’Sullivan, 2003). Have you noticed yourself forcing old routines that no longer feel right? I experienced this at conferences: Networking and socializing felt forced. I felt like I had to act. The more I forced it, the more off I felt. Then I realized: I did not need to chase participation. I just needed to be myself. “Whatever is mine will be mine.” And then, I felt incredibly myself.
Notice that your rituals and activities might also need adjusting. What once brought joy may now feel empty, and that is okay. Experiment with what resonates now.
Let yourself live from that place, even if it feels lonely at first. Breathe. Step back. Not everyone will understand, and that is okay. Honor your inner truth. Go inward, even if it seems that it is not about finding joy again, but about learning to meet yourself honestly, in quiet, in stillness, and in your own raw, dark colors.
My message for you: Maybe your life does not feel colorful right now, but that is because you do not yet see the full picture. What feels dark or sad today may turn out to be incredibly meaningful and beautiful later; you just cannot comprehend it yet. Why? Perhaps your identity is still shifting, and your awareness has not reached the level needed to understand the whole picture. Be patient. Wait. Trust life.
What feels ugly, raw, even unbearable to you now might be a masterpiece from the world’s perspective. Maybe the world needs your rawness and your darkness. One day, you’ll see it too, and then, finally, you can show your true colors without apology .
Facebook /LinkedIn image: Rodrigo_Sepulveda/Shutterstock
McKee, M., Roring, S., Winterowd, C., & Porras, C. (2012). The Relationship of Negative Self-Schemas and Insecure Partner Attachment Styles With Anger Experience and Expression Among Male Batterers. Journal of Interpersonal Violence , 27 (13), 2685-2702. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260512436395 (Original work published 2012)
JENSEN, J. F., & RAUER, A. J. (2014). ‘Turning inward versus outward: Relationship work in young adults and romantic functioning’, Personal Relationships , 21/3: 451–67. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12042
Carr, C. T., Kim, Y., Valov, J. J., Rosenbaum, J. E., Johnson, B. K., Hancock, J. T., & Gonzales, A. L. (2021). An explication of identity shift theory. Journal of Media Psychology, 33(4), 202–214. https://doi.org/10.1027/1864-1105/a000314
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.