“Why Didn’t You Just Leave?”

7 reasons why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship and how to do it anyway.

Posted June 22, 2025 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

“Why didn’t you just leave?” is what many people think (and often actually ask) when they hear about someone who was in an abusive relationship with a romantic partner (or employer, roommate, or otherwise). Yet leaving is much harder than it looks from the outside. There are at least seven reasons why it is hard to leave an abusive relationship — but also at least three ways to make it possible. 1

Coercive Control. Coercive control is a term that helps explain the fundamental dynamics of abusive relationships. Essentially, one partner is intent on controlling the other, typically including where they go, who they associate with, what they can say, access to family finances, and more. There may be violence used to enforce the control, or not. Over time, it doesn’t take much to learn that independent behavior will be punished.
Endless Blame and Self-Doubt. One of the characteristics of abusive relationships is a constant flow of criticism against the targeted person, common in the domineering behavior of many people with Cluster B personality disorders : “No one would want you except for me.” “It’s all your fault!”

People with narcissistic personalities often have traits of arrogance and a lack of empathy. People with antisocial personalities have traits of cruelty and a lack of remorse. People with borderline personalities experience wide mood swings and sudden anger . All of these behaviors instill a pattern of “walking on eggshells” for the target.

Emotional Repetition. When such negative feedback gets repeated and combined with verbal or physical threats, the target of the abuse may lose self-esteem and the prospect of leaving becomes harder, not easier, to imagine. The person becomes resigned to the bully ’s power and to their own sense of powerlessness. When targets make efforts to assert themselves, the abusive person thwarts those with louder and stronger responses and threats, so that the victim makes fewer attempts. It’s a downward emotional spiral.
Friends, Family, and Others’ Criticisms. Ironically, the people who could be most supportive may be oblivious to the difficulties in the relationship: “He seems like such a great guy/parent/provider," "All couples have difficulties," etc. Sometimes professionals—even therapists, mediators, and judges—may inadvertently reinforce the power imbalance: “Can’t you see your part in the problem?” “Marital problems are usually the equal responsibility of both spouses.”

The larger culture may also reinforce stereotypes that don’t fit an abusive situation, such as “You should always try to work things out.”

Principle of Reciprocity. Research shows that couples have mutual but hidden dynamics of attraction . For example, domineering people tend to seek submissive people and submissive people tend to be attracted to domineering people, even though that is not what they really want. People who display warmth, friendliness, and equality in relationships prefer partners who display warmth, friendliness and equality. These situations are called the Principle of Reciprocity. I am often asked if there is something in a person’s personality that draws abusers to them. After 45 years of working with personalities in conflictual relationships, I have reached two conclusions: 1) Bullies try out picking on everybody; 2) Those who r espond and engage with them tend to be those they pick on further.
Childhood Messages About Love. Many people in abusive relationships had abusive childhoods, which unfortunately prepared them to expect and often tolerate abuse in their intimate partnerships as adults. They may have had no idea that what they experienced growing up was unusual, since most families do not have domestic violence or other abuse as a normal part of their home lives. Songs and shows often make it confusing to know what are early signs of love versus early signs of abuse. “I thought his aggressiveness toward me meant he loved me.”
There Used to Be Nowhere Else to Go. For most of human existence, we lived as hunters and gatherers in groups of about 150 people, half of whom were children. If you were abused and wanted to leave, where could you go? If you took off on your own, there were lions and other hostile humans to contend with. You were unlikely to survive alone. It seems to be part of our genetic heritage to become immobilized in abusive situations rather than to fight back or leave. We shouldn’t be ashamed if this happens to us as an unconscious protective response. Yet today, there are safe places to go.

3 Things That Can Make Leaving More Possible

It is not surprising that it is difficult to get out of an abusive relationship. Therefore, individuals in such relationships and those around them need to understand the patterns of behavior to avoid — and how to get away from them when necessary. No one deserves to be abused.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .

This post contains excerpts from a longer article written for the High Conflict Institute: " Why Is It So Hard to Leave Abusive Relationships? (And What Can Be Done To Help?) "

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Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD, is a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego. He is the author of books including 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life and Our New World of Adult Bullies.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.