Why Are Some People Glad When Their Partner Has a Lover?
Jealousy is a sign of both love and self-love.
Posted September 9, 2025 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
“ The one that is not jealous is not in love.” — Saint Augustine “For it is in giving that we receive.” — Francis of Assisi
Romantic jealousy arises from the fear of losing someone perceived as “yours” to another. It is often criticized for treating a partner as property. In contrast, compersion —the joy one feels when their partner experiences pleasure with someone else—is frequently dismissed as unnatural, challenging traditional ideals of romantic love. Which emotion should prevail?
At the heart of monogamy lies jealousy, where exclusivity is central. At the heart of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) lies compersion, where uniqueness is key. Romantic exclusivity is typically defined in negative terms— not permitting , restricting . Romantic uniqueness, however, is defined positively— being different in a way that makes someone special and worthy of note .
Jealousy and Romantic Exclusivity
“ I hate jealousy, I hate possessiveness. I'm nobody's possession.” — Olga Kurylenko “ Jealousy is a natural feeling, even when you’re happy for the person and you love them.” — Sonja Morgan
Jealousy focuses on threats to our exclusive position in a relationship. The desire for exclusivity stems from the partial nature of emotions: they are directed toward specific individuals and reflect a personal, invested perspective. Deep emotions cannot be felt toward everyone, and certain rewards lose their value if not exclusive.
Exclusivity comes in varying degrees. In strict forms, some religious communities forbid married women from socializing with men other than their husbands. Less strict versions may allow limited sexual encounters—such as one affair per year or only with strangers—without considering it betrayal. These arrangements aim to preserve the relationship but do not eliminate jealousy. While jealousy often provokes negative feelings, it can also reinforce long-term commitment. For instance, people who score higher on romantic jealousy are more likely to detect infidelity (Apostolou and Antonopoulou, 2022).
From an economic perspective, exclusivity involves two effects : Consumer effect : A product becomes more desirable when others want it; Rarity effect : The rarer a product, the more valuable it becomes. These effects are compatible: We desire what others desire, but value it more when it belongs to us exclusively. A man may desire a woman more if others do, but values her most if she remains his alone—like a trophy he has “won” (Ben-Ze’ev, 2010).
Empirical studies support this: When partners flirt with others, their desirability tends to decrease, predicting reduced investment in the relationship. However, when the flirting is virtual—impossible to actualize—it can increase desire for the offline partner (Birnbaum and colleagues, 2023; 2024). In such cases, the rarity effect is preserved, and desire may intensify.
Jealousy and Romantic Uniqueness
“ Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure.” — Maya Angelou
The need for uniqueness is a fundamental emotional drive. As Gilbert (2007: 252) notes: “We don’t always see ourselves as superior, but we almost always see ourselves as unique.” Romantic uniqueness generally holds more normative value than exclusivity, as it enhances positive traits rather than relying on prohibitions.
Breaching exclusivity does not necessarily undermine uniqueness or the relationship, though it may in certain contexts. Contrary to popular belief, monogamous relationships are not always more beneficial than CNM. A recent study by Anderson and colleagues (2025) found that people in CNM experience similar levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships. Another study identified three unique benefits among CNM participants: need fulfillment, engagement in varied nonsexual activities, and personal growth (Moore and colleagues, 2017). More broadly, CNM individuals—whether polyamorous or in open marriages—tend to experience less frequent and less intense jealousy, alongside greater compersion (Balzarini and colleagues, 2021; Ben-Ze’ev, 2022; Brunning, 2020; Thouin, 2024).
Uniqueness also relates to envy , another negative emotion in romantic relationships . Envy reflects a sense of undeserved inferiority. However, not all romantic inequalities evoke envy—it depends on the couple’s unique dynamics. Both men and women tend to pursue partners about 25 percent more desirable than their self-esteem (Bruch and Newman, 2018). This difference is enough to enjoy the benefits of a superior partner without feeling humiliated. Moreover, envy can be malicious or benign (Battle and Diab, 2024). Both assume inferiority, but malicious envy seeks to harm the superior other, while benign envy motivates self-improvement.
Conclusion: Balanced Uniqueness
"The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous." — Henry Louis Mencken
Both jealousy and compersion involve love and self-love—an opposition common in human emotions. The key lies in balance . Balanced uniqueness, rather than strict exclusivity, is more conducive to flourishing relationships, whether monogamous or non-monogamous. Achieving this balance depends on personal dispositions, relational dynamics, and broader social contexts.
Anderson, J. R., et al. (2025). Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth. The Journal of Sex Research , 1-13.
Apostolou, M., & Antonopoulou, A. (2022). Does jealousy protect people from infidelity? Adaptive human behavior and physiology , 370-381.
Balzarini, R. N., et al. (2021). Compersion: When jealousy-inducing situations don’t (just) induce jealousy. Archives of Sexual Behavior , 1-14.
Battle, L., & Diab, D. L. (2024). Is envy always bad? An examination of benign and malicious envy in the workplace. Psychological reports , 127 , 2812-2832.
Ben-Ze'ev, A. (2010). "Jealousy and Romantic Love," in S. Hart and M. Legerstee (eds.), Handbook of Jealousy . Wiley-Blackwell, 2010, 40-54.
Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2022). ‘I am glad that my partner is happy with her lover’: On jealousy, and compersion. In A. Pismenny and B. Brogaard (eds.), The moral psychology of love . Rowman & Littlefield, 127-150.
Birnbaum, G. E., et al. (2023). Biting the forbidden fruit: The effect of flirting with a virtual agent on attraction to real alternative and existing partners. Current Research in Ecological and Social Psychology , 4 , 100084.
Birnbaum, G. E., (2024). When you partner is being flirted with: The Impact of unsolicited attention on perceived partner desirability and mate retention efforts. The Journal of Sex Research , 1-14.
Bruch, E. E., & Newman, M. E. (2018). Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets. Science Advances , 4 (8), eaap9815.
Brunning, L. (2020). Compersion: An alternative to jealousy? Journal of the American Philosophical Association , 6 , 225-245.
Gilbert, D. (2007). Stumbling on happiness . Vintage.
Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Schechinger, H. A. (2017). Unique and shared relationship benefits of consensually non-monogamous and monogamous relationships. European Psychologist , 22 , 55–71.
Thouin, M. (2024). What is compersion . Rowman & Littlefield.
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Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is a professor of philosophy. His books include The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time.
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