Why a Good-Enough Partner Is Better Than a Perfect One
The search for perfection in love may prevent genuine intimacy.
Posted May 24, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
“You wanted a martyr, just a regular guy wouldn’t do.” —Jim Croce
Being perceived as perfect might seem like a clear advantage. Yet in romantic relationships , those who appear flawless may actually have lower relational value.
“You’re the nearest thing to heaven.” —Johnny Cash
Many of us are drawn to the idealized love portrayed in novels, films, poems, and popular songs. This romantic ideology includes beliefs such as: true love conquers all; love lasts forever; lovers become one; love is irreplaceable and exclusive; and genuine love is unconditional and pure. In this vision, love is expected to be uncompromising, all-encompassing, and immune to ordinary human limitations (Ben-Ze’ev & Goussinsky, 2008).
Yet this dream of perfection is not only unrealistic—it can be harmful. Flourishing relationships require not a perfect partner, but a good-enough one. As one woman married for over 30 years reflected: “My husband once said he rates our relationship a seven out of ten. I was devastated. Ten years later, I am truly satisfied.”
Borrowing from Donald Winnicott’s (1960) influential concept of the “good-enough mother,” the idea of a good-enough partner offers a healthier and more sustainable foundation for romantic life than the fantasy of perfection.
Is the Search for Perfection Useful?
“In my past relationships, there was more romance—but also more cheating, volatility, and poor communication. My current relationship is stable and healthy. Still, I sometimes wonder: Am I settling ?” —Woman
Iddo Landau (2017) challenges the belief that a meaningful life requires excellence or perfection. Perfectionists, he argues, become so preoccupied with finding the best that they fail to appreciate what is already good. He distinguishes between striving to be the best and striving to improve : the first fuels endless comparison and dissatisfaction; the second fosters growth.
This distinction is particularly relevant in romantic relationships. The search for a flawless partner is ultimately futile—and often damaging. Perfection demands hiding, posturing, and fear of failure. Intimacy, by contrast, requires authenticity , vulnerability, and emotional flexibility (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).
Winnicott’s (1960) notion of the “good-enough mother” illuminates this further. Healthy development depends not on flawless caregiving , but on authentic presence, reasonable responsiveness, and the ability to repair inevitable ruptures. The same principle applies to love.
Herbert Simon’s (1979) concept of satisficing —a blend of “satisfy” and “suffice”—reinforces this point. Given the limits of our knowledge and cognitive capacity, seeking what is good enough often leads to better outcomes than chasing theoretical perfection.
Similarly, Barry Schwartz (2004) distinguishes between maximizers , who seek the absolute best, and satisficers , who accept what is sufficiently good. Maximizers tend to experience more regret and dissatisfaction—even after objectively good choices.
A related idea emerges from the optimization–superiorization framework: instead of pursuing perfection, we aim for meaningful improvement within real-world constraints (Censor et al., 2019). In relationships, this translates into focusing less on finding the ideal partner and more on building an increasingly better relationship.
Choosing a Good-Enough Partner
“ I’ll take my husband doing the dishes every night over a grand romantic gesture any day. Don’t look for fulfillment where you won’t find it—and stop feeding your algorithm with things that make you feel envious .” —Woman
“ I married a good man. 22 years later, I divorced him. There are other good men out there who won't frustrate and exhaust you because you will have more in common. You need more than a good man, you need a compatible partner .”—Woman
A good-enough partner is not flawless, but sufficiently compatible, caring, and emotionally present to support a meaningful and flourishing bond. Strong relationships involve accepting what is good—while continuing to nurture and improve it.
Viewing a partner as “good enough” helps clarify what truly matters: emotional reliability, mutual respect, shared values, and the capacity to grow together. This perspective does not discourage deepening love—it grounds that growth in reality rather than illusion.
Importantly, accepting a partner as good enough does not mean ignoring flaws. It involves placing them in proper proportion through two recognitions: first, that all human beings—including ourselves—are imperfect; and second, that relationships thrive more through cultivating strengths than eliminating every weakness. When neither partner is pressured to appear perfect, it becomes easier to bring out the best in each other.
Building Love Between Imperfect People
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly .” —Sam Keen
“ Grand gestures are overrated. Daily thoughtfulness—that’s love .” —Woman
Once we accept that perfection is unattainable, choosing a partner becomes both more realistic and more meaningful. The central question shifts: not "Does this person have flaws?" but "Does this relationship foster growth, security, and shared flourishing?"
Seeking a partner with whom one can build trust, intimacy, and resilience offers a far stronger foundation than the endless pursuit of perfection. In the end, enduring love depends less on finding the perfect person than on creating a relationship in which two imperfect people consistently bring out the best in one another.
Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). Is love best when it is fresh? The impact of time on love . University of Chicago Press.
Ben-Ze'ev, A., & Goussinsky, R. (2008). In the name of love . Oxford University Press.
Censor, Y., Heaton, H., and Schulte, R.W (2019). Derivative-free superiorization with component-wise perturbations. Numerical Algorithms , Vol. 80, 1219-1240.
Landau, I. (2017). Finding meaning in an imperfect world . Oxford University Press.
Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice . HarperCollins.
Simon, H. A. (1979). Rational decision making in business organizations. The American economic review , 69 , 493-513.
Winnicott, D. W. (1960/2016). The collected works of DW Winnicott (Vol. 12). Oxford University Press.
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Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is a professor of philosophy. His books include The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.