When Wives Are Thrown Overboard Without a Life Jacket
The abandoned wife often feels worthless, but she can reclaim her sense of self.
Posted May 19, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
When your husband left, did it make you question your personal value? We had an interesting discussion about this at a recent divorce recovery group. One woman commented that she feels ashamed because her husband no longer finds her valuable. She felt that her actual value as a person had been diminished. She said that it’s “taken for granted” that being married is better than being single or divorced .
After all, isn’t everyone trying to find their special person? Few people yearn to be single. All the songs, movies, books, and podcasts seem to be about locating your significant other. Being married (or in a long-term relationship) is a nearly universal life goal.
One woman remembered what it was like before her husband left. She called herself “smug-married.” She loved that she and her husband were co-piloting a big ship together—tending the house and kids, planning the family’s course for the future, depending on each other to keep the ship water-tight and sailing right.
Then he pushed her overboard without a life jacket. Suddenly, the secure identity she had built as part of a couple had sunk to the bottom of the sea.
If being married means that you accomplished something highly valuable, then being left must mean that you failed. Or does it?
Many women in the runaway-husbands community describe their competence and dedication in married life, often taking care of everyone while working full-time. They may not have been the perfect wife, but then, was their husband the perfect husband?
If your husband chose to leave the marriage , especially if he abandoned you, he’s the one who failed the marriage, not you. Your ex-husband doesn’t get to determine your worth as a person. Nor does marriage or divorce. You are more than that. Much more. But it will take a strong mind to block society’s messages that broadcast that only being married is valuable.
You had a certain identity as a married person; now you have a different, equally valuable identity, even though you’re separated or divorced. Think it through: In what other ways do you value yourself? Are you a kind person? Do you work hard? Do you have a sense of humor ? Are you loyal? Make a list of all the character traits that describe how you can love yourself.
Become defiant! Don’t permit yourself to be diminished by the fact that your husband left. In fact, strengthen the character traits you appreciate about yourself. I love the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Easier said than done, of course, but healing begins when you stop measuring your worth through the eyes of the person who left or even through the messages society seems to send.
You may have been thrown overboard, but you know how to swim. Swim to shore! You’re stronger than you think. Don’t hand your ex-husband the power to determine your worth. Practice loving yourself, just as you are.
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Vikki Stark, M.S.W., M.F.T. , is a family therapist and the director of the Sedona Counselling Centre of Montreal. She is the author of Divorce: How to Tell the Kids , Runaway Husbands and My Sister, My Self .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.