When Unhealthy Relationships Feel Familiar
How survivors of trauma can struggle to recognize red flags and cycles of abuse.
Posted May 27, 2026 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Roberta came to me after surviving domestic violence that had been escalating during her divorce . For months, she lived in fear , constantly on edge as her ex-partner used legal abuse tactics to maintain control. He was coming after her job, filing for custody of her children, and making false reports to child protection—all in an attempt to retaliate for her leaving the relationship.
In our early sessions, we focused on helping her and her children find safety, both internally and externally. She blamed herself often: “I thought that leaving would protect me and my kids from this, but it isn’t stopping!” She also occasionally rationalized and excused her ex’s behavior. “I saw red flags in the beginning, but I always excused them. I saw him treat others this way, but never thought he would do it to me, too.”
With time and support, Roberta began to feel emotionally safer, which allowed us to explore deeper patterns, including the self-blame and shame that had followed her into adulthood. It became clear that her difficulty recognizing the abuse wasn’t just about her ex. It was about her past: from living in a home filled with domestic abuse that was dismissed and ignored by her neighbors and relatives.
How Abuse Becomes Normalized
If you grew up around abuse, neglect, or emotional instability, unhealthy dynamics may not immediately register as dangerous.
Like so many survivors of childhood trauma , Roberta had learned to normalize the abuse she had lived through. When your earliest relationships involved emotional neglect, rejection, abuse, violence, and gaslighting , those dynamics can come to feel familiar. Sometimes, they even feel like love.
Many of us have experiences of excusing red flags of abuse, either through denial , intellectualization , being desensitized, or many other ways we learned to excuse these behaviors. At the same time, many of us can list red flags in hindsight, when the fog has cleared after an unhealthy relationship ended. This reaction is common among survivors who were conditioned to believe that maltreatment is normal, and as a result, may not recognize certain actions as abusive.
From intellectualizing harmful behavior to minimizing abuse, survivors often develop protective coping mechanisms that make unhealthy relationships harder to identify. Here are some of the most common ways that victims are conditioned to excuse unhealthy behavior:
Breaking the Cycle Starts With Recognizing It
This is why so many of us who experienced abuse in our family of origin are at increased risk of either experiencing or perpetrating intimate partner violence later in life (Heyman & Slep, 2002; Whitfield et al., 2003; Wisdom et al., 2014). Childhood trauma can shape everything, from how we regulate emotions to what we expect from love. This is why many of us tolerate mistreatment: We either don’t recognize it as abuse or we don't believe we deserve better.
Survivors of dysfunctional families often struggle to understand what healthy interaction looks like. When dysfunction—especially abuse—is the norm, it becomes hard to distinguish between what’s safe and what’s harmful. This is why many trauma survivors find themselves in cycles of unstable or unhealthy relationships, feeling like they keep dating the same unhealthy people. These patterns often repeat the dysfunction they witnessed or experienced growing up, not because they consciously choose them, but because those dynamics feel familiar, even when they are painful. This repetition isn't accidental. As one recovery text puts it: “We stay in abusive relationships because they resemble how we were raised,” (Adult Children of Alcoholics, "Big Red Book," p. 197.)
Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker's Guide to Healthy Relationships.
If you are struggling in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline : 1 (800)-799-SAFE (7233) or the Human Rights Campaign . To find mental health support, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.