When Trauma Responses Show Up as Overprotective Parenting
For some, a child’s independence can activate unresolved wounds.
Posted May 21, 2026 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Destiny came to therapy struggling with debilitating anxiety , frequent migraines , and relentless insomnia . But what finally prompted her to seek help wasn’t just her physical symptoms—it was the rising tension between her and her husband as they prepared to send their oldest daughter off to college.
“I never had the chance to go to college,” she told me the first day. “My dad was gone. My mother could barely take care of herself. Someone had to stay behind and take care of my younger siblings.”
As she spoke, it became clear that Destiny had spent much of her childhood in a caregiving role. While other kids were focused on school, friendships, and planning for their futures, she was focused on survival and responsibility.
Now, years later, she found herself intensely involved in every detail of her daughter’s college transition. Her husband, on the other hand, took a more relaxed approach. To Destiny, his attitude felt baffling—and frightening.
“I don’t understand why he’s so uninvolved,” she said. “This is such a big deal.”
But beneath that frustration was something deeper: Fear .
The idea of letting her daughter step into independence stirred up emotions she hadn’t fully recognized before. While we initially talked about her anxiety around the college transition, our work gradually shifted toward unpacking Destiny’s childhood—one filled with neglect, instability, and responsibilities far beyond what a child should carry.
“I guess I never thought of my history as traumatic ,” she admitted during one session. “I just thought it was normal. We did what we had to do to survive.”
Then she paused. “I just don’t want my child to suffer like I did. Maybe that’s why I’m so involved.”
She was starting to uncover that what truly brought her in was fear over how her daughter’s upcoming college departure would affect her family. Years of unresolved childhood trauma were surfacing in her parenting , turning normal milestones into intense stress .
Unresolved childhood trauma can shape the way survivors parent
Destiny's case vignette reflects something I see often in therapy: unresolved childhood experiences can shape the way survivors interact with others in adulthood, including as a parent. When someone grows up in an environment where safety and support were inconsistent or absent, they may become hyper-vigilant about protecting their own children from harm.
Sometimes that protection becomes overprotection.
Parents who experienced instability may feel compelled to monitor every detail of their child’s life, fearing that one misstep could lead to the kind of hardship they once endured. Independence can feel less like a milestone and more like a threat.
None of this comes from a lack of love. In fact, it usually comes from profound love—and from a deep desire to give our children the safety we never had.
But when old wounds remain unexamined, they can influence the present. Parenting moments that might seem ordinary—like a child leaving for college—can activate unresolved grief , fear, or memories of what they missed out on.
Through therapy, Destiny is beginning to connect the dots between the trauma she experienced and the anxiety she feels today. As she gains insight into her own history, she is also learning something equally important: allowing her daughter to grow doesn’t mean abandoning her, it just means her own children have opportunities she never had.
Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker's Guide to Healthy Relationships.
Bailey, H. N., DeOliveira, C. A., Wolfe, V. V., Evans, E. M., & Hartwick, C. (2012). The impact of childhood maltreatment history on parenting: A comparison of maltreatment types and assessment methods. Child Abuse & Neglect, 36 (3), 236–246.
Harden, B.J., Osofsky, J.D., Alexander, C. (2024). The Effects of Trauma on Parenting and Caregiving. In: Osofsky, J.D., Fitzgerald, H.E., Keren, M., Puura, K. (eds) WAIMH Handbook of Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-48627-2_26
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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