When Love Masquerades as Depression
A man who thought he killed his son teaches us a valuable lesson about love.
Posted April 10, 2026 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Several years ago, I met a man named Jim at a social gathering. When he found out I was a psychiatrist, he told me he had been severely depressed for nine years.
Nothing had helped. Not antidepressants . Not therapy . Not encouragement from friends.
“Is my depression hopeless?” he asked.
I told him I’d been developing a new approach to treating depression. Although I could not promise anything, I invited him to come to my home that Saturday.
When we sat down together, I asked what had happened nine years earlier.
He looked at me quietly and said, “I killed my stepson.”
I was stunned, and he told me the backstory.
Before getting married, Jim had been a successful businessman and a happy bachelor. His girlfriend had a teenage son who was struggling—trouble at school, trouble with the police, low self-esteem . Jim decided to step in and try to be a father figure and help the boy.
They bonded quickly. They skied together, and the boy turned out to be exceptionally talented. They began doing extreme skiing and became well-known. Their story was even featured in Sports Illustrated . When Jim got married, the boy stood beside him as his best man.
One afternoon, after hours on the slopes, they were about to head home. It was Jim’s wife’s birthday, and it was getting late.
But the boy begged him. “Jim, just one more run. There’s this really tough slope, but I know I can do it. Please, just this one last time.”
Jim hesitated, but then gave in. They set off down the slope. But the boy took a wrong turn. He lost control. He went right over a 60-foot cliff and crashed onto the rocks below.
Jim panicked, called for a helicopter, and skied down to where his stepson had fallen. He held him in his arms.
The boy was wearing the same expensive ski goggles Jim was using. He’d saved up his money so he could buy them for himself, and he was incredibly proud of them. He was looking directly into Jim’s eyes, still with feelings of pride and love, at the moment he died.
From that moment forward, Jim was certain it was his fault. If only he had said no and insisted they leave!
“I loved him so much,” Jim told me. “I’ve been depressed every day since.”
Friends had tried to comfort him.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“Stop blaming yourself.”
None of it helped. If anything, their reassurances felt superficial and made him feel more alone because no one seemed to understand his feelings. (Attempts to rescue people in pain frequently deepen shame rather than relieve it.)
I asked Jim what he had been doing during those nine painful years. His answer surprised me.
He had stepped away from his thriving business because he lost interest in money and status. Instead, he devoted himself to a small foundation. They bought wheelchairs for people in Vietnam who lost their legs to American landmines.
“We raise money, buy the simplest chairs we can, and deliver them in person.” He described watching their faces light up with joy when they suddenly realized they could move independently again.
“You can’t imagine the look in their eyes,” he said softly. “The gratitude … It’s overwhelming.”
Tears filled his eyes. And mine as well.
He had come to me asking whether he was hopeless. But listening to him, I wasn’t seeing pathology. I was seeing a man whose profound grief had morphed into compassion.
He looked at me and asked again, “Doctor, do you think I’m a hopeless case?”
I said, “Jim, I do have tools that could likely help you feel better. Possibly very quickly—even today. But before we go there, I need to say something.”
"I’m not convinced that we should use those tools to make your depression disappear," I explained.
He was taken aback and asked why.
I said, “I'll tell you why. Because if that's what your depression contributes to people, then I don't think I want to make it disappear. What you’re doing in your life is beautiful. In fact, the question in my mind right now isn't ‘Why is Jim depressed?’ but ‘Why are the rest of us feeling so happy?’”
At that moment, both of us broke down in tears. His depression suddenly had a new meaning.
“For nine years,” I continued, “you’ve believed your depression proved that you were defective and broken. Even your shrink said you have a ‘mental disorder.’ But what if your depression is the expression of something else ? What if it reflects the depth of your love?”
For the first time, he considered that his suffering might not be evidence of defect or mental disorder, but evidence of his love for his son, as well as people in general who were struggling. His depression was his way of keeping his son alive in his life every day.
And the moment he saw that, his shame was replaced by pride. He saw that his depression was actually the expression of his core values as a human being.
We examined the distortions in the negative thoughts that had been driving his feelings of depression, guilt , shame, inadequacy, and hopelessness. He realized he had been holding himself to impossible standards, believing he should have foreseen the unforeseeable and prevented the unpreventable. He had assumed godlike responsibility for an unpredictable accident.
When he gently challenged the thought that “I should have known,” his mood began to lift visibly.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.