When Grief Stays Silent
Disenfranchised grief, or grief not socially sanctioned, is often felt alone.
Posted March 4, 2023 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Recently, I learned of someone's death, not from mutual friends or word of mouth. No one in my current world even knows this person, but he'd been very important to me long ago. A different kind of grief came over me; an unshared grief.
I realized that if I talked about it, I'd probably hear something like, "Well, that was years ago, right?" Not from everyone, certainly. But even for me, it felt as if this grief was something that I needed to keep to myself–something I didn't have the "right" to feel since I'd ended the relationship. It was old news. I was supposed to be over that. Way over that.
That made me wonder about other kinds of grief that aren't culturally sanctioned–and I found the term " disenfranchised " grief, describing pain compounded by the feeling that one has not been given 'permission' to experience it.
Grief is not something that many feel they're not supposed to talk about with others and that it could be seen as "over the top" or uncomfortable to talk about.
What are some of disenfranchised sources of grief? And what are common responses to those experiences?
These are only a few sources of disenfranchised grief; others may include losing custody of one's kids, losing a job or retiring, or failed adoptions. I could go on and on.
Carrying around a sense of victimization isn't the answer. But toxic positivity —feeling that there are "bad" feelings and you are wrong to have them—isn't the solution, either. As Susan David, Harvard professor and author Emotional Agility , said, "Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life."
Some people will listen; they will remember, understand, and support your grief. And that kind of connection can be life-changing, so you can allow your grief to come to the surface–and not be alone.
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Margaret Rutherford, Ph.D., is the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.