When Do You Tell Your Lover Your Secret?
We all have secrets but secret behaviors seem hardest to share.
Posted August 10, 2025 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Cole and Cara had been dating for six months. Cara knew he was getting serious. They had been exclusive after the third date. Things had moved quickly. She had never felt this way about anyone before and wanted to spend the rest of her life with Cole. They had talked for hours and shared everything—well, almost everything. She had a secret. She hated her body, but that was not all; she did things when she ate too much—no one knew, but she either took laxatives or made herself throw up.
Cara decided she would tell him now in case he wanted out. “Better he knows,” she thought. But she was so scared to tell him, knowing he could leave. At the same time, she knew it was the right thing to do. They were going out on a date on Saturday for their six-month anniversary and she decided that was the time. The plan was to go for a walk on the beach after dinner, so she thought that would be the perfect time. It was so hard, but she found some courage and was determined to do it.
Cara thought out exactly what she would say. “Cole, I love you and want to have a transparent relationship with you. I feel vulnerable but need to tell you something about me I have not shared before. I feel a little scared, so I need your undivided attention . Remember how I mentioned struggling with food and weight in high school? Well, that has never really gone away. I still hate my body and can’t handle it if I feel like I eat too much.” She thought she would pause there and give him a moment to say something, then would continue if the conversation was going well. “But there is more. I have a lot of shame about this part, but I want you to know. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us or something that you find out later. When I feel too full, sometimes I take a bunch of laxatives and sometimes I make myself throw up.” She knew this last part would be the hardest and hoped he would be able to handle it. She was ready.
But, unexpectedly, the game plan changed. They had just finished dinner when the person waiting on their table approached with two champagne glasses and said, “I heard that this is your six-month anniversary and here is a special drink on the house to celebrate.” Cara smiled, a little puzzled that there were so many restaurant people hovering around, and took her glass. Then she noticed the ring in the champagne. Cole was beaming, then got down on one knee and asked, “Will you marry me, Cara?”
Cara burst into tears and said, “Yes!”
The conversation about her body and her behaviors with food did not happen.
Cara wanted to tell Cole before the wedding, but there never seemed to be a good time. It was not until after they were married, and he heard her throwing up in the bathroom, that they had a conversation about it. Cara felt ashamed and Cole felt betrayed. It did not go well (Linville et al., 2015; Lampson, 2025).
When is the best time to disclose a secret? Prior to commitment.
When issues with food, weight, body image , or struggles with an eating disorder are disclosed prior to marriage , the other partner has time to think about what this means before making a final commitment. This is optimal. However, rarely does this partner fully understand what this means. There may be an initial emotional response ranging from feeling helpless to feeling disgust, but most tend to underestimate the seriousness of the problem or the potential long-term impact on the relationship. Even if they do, they often erroneously believe that the relationship will be the cure and things will get better due to their influence (Lampson, 2025; Perkins et al., 2004).
When the disclosure is after marriage, many partners, like Cole, feel betrayed. The disclosure shatters trust and negatively impacts the relationship. Cole was surprised by the intensity of his feelings. It was as though Cara had told him she had been having an affair, but it was with these secretive food-related behaviors rather than a person. Couples therapy like Gottman-RED (Relationships with Eating Disorders) could really help this couple.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
Lampson, K. (2025). Therapy for relationships with eating disorders: A clinician's guide to Gottman-RED couples therapy.
Linville, D., Cobb, E., Shen, F. & Stadelman, S. (2015). Reciprocal influence of couple dynamics and eating disorders. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 42 (2), 326-340. https://doi.org.10.1111/jmft.12133
Perkins, S., Winn, S., Murray, J., Murphy, R., & Schmidt, U. (2004). A Qualitative Study of the Experience of Caring for a Person with Bulimia Nervosa Part 1: The Emotional Impact of Caring. International Journal of Eating Disorders , 36 (3), 256–268. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.20067
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Kim Lampson, Ph.D., is a professor of graduate psychology at Northwest University, a certified Gottman therapist who developed Gottman-RED—relationships with eating disorders, and the author of Therapy for Relationships with Eating Disorders .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.