When Dependence Is Not the Problem
Relying on others can be a way of staying connected.
Updated May 12, 2026 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
In some families and cultures, dependence is not simply tolerated—it is relationally meaningful.
It can signal care, closeness and responsibility toward one another.
But in therapy , dependence is often quickly interpreted as something to outgrow.
Sometimes, parents may not even realise that their way of loving—doing everything, protecting, anticipating needs—can also reinforce dependency in their adult children.
Yet dependence is not always only about incapacity.
Sometimes, it is also a way to stay connected, and more importantly, a way to protect against the fear of abandonment.
Mary came to therapy in her early 30s after being diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder by a previous therapist. She disagreed with the diagnosis.
“It’s just unfair,” she said. “And it didn’t help.”
In many ways, Mary was functioning. She could manage daily life and make daily decisions.
But the idea that her parents might one day die felt unbearable.
Not something in the distant future, but something that made her feel suddenly small, exposed, and unsafe.
Interestingly, Mary did not describe herself as “close” to her parents.
She often felt they didn’t truly understand her.
Her father, now in his late 70s, was caring but could also be critical. He showed love through action—cooking, cleaning, providing—rather than emotional attunement. Her mother struggled with chronic anxiety and depression . From the outside, the family appeared harmonious. Emotionally, something was missing.
In therapy, Mary often felt “flat.”
When asked about her experiences, she would respond briefly, as if there was nothing much to say.
There was no obvious shame , nor clear social difficulty. But a quiet sense of: “There is nothing interesting about me.”
At times, it felt as though I was meeting a wall.
Over time, a pattern began to emerge.
Mary’s father had grown up with physical abuse and carried a deep sense of inadequacy. He seemed most comfortable when he was needed —when he could care, protect, and provide. Moments of closeness between father and daughter often occurred when Mary felt vulnerable.
Essentially, Mary only felt connection with her father when she was in need of him, or in trouble. Otherwise, both of her parents are detached.
Dependence, in this context, was not just reliance. It was the pathway to connection.
Mary’s life reflected this pattern.
Although she makes her daily decision, she relied heavily on her parents for reassurance: from how she dressed, what she eats to major life decisions, such as buying insurance, changing jobs.
In the world, she kept herself pretty isolated psychologically. She spoke little during lunchtime with colleagues. She kept things private. She felt stress in social situations because she could not shake off the idea, ‘Do I look weird?’.
She has some friends, but she often oscillates between neediness and detachment. When no one was there to support her, she would retreat. She returns to the one place where care was predictable: home.
At work, she often felt helpless and became overly accommodating, taking on tasks others avoided.
Her dependence was not random. It was organised around one core experience: “This is how I feel cared for.”
From the outside, this might look like pathology. But from within her experience, it made sense.
Dependence was not only limiting her, but also protecting something essential. It provides her basic needs since she was small: connection, safety, and a sense of being held.
The work in therapy was not to eliminate dependence, because this treatment goal frightened her. That’s why she withdrew from her previous therapist. The treatment goal was to understand it and differentiate between two things:
When does this way of relating support connection?
When does it begin to narrow her life?
Over time, small shifts became possible. Mary began to experiment with making decisions on her own, and does not seek reassurance afterwards.
She comes to understand that being independent, although scary, is not a rejection of her parents. It is a way of discovering her own experience while staying connected. She started to explore new ways to relate and feel connected to her parents.
Sometimes, growth is not about becoming independent. It is about expanding the ways one can be in a relationship, so that connection does not cost too much.
For clinicians who look forward to diving deeper, I also write constantly on Substack.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.