When Criticizing the Other Parent Is Harmful to Children
There's a less recognized form of domestic abuse that has a big impact.
Posted August 22, 2025 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
"Nichole" was 10 when I started seeing her at her school. The school counselor reported that Nicole was talking about wanting to "cut myself in half," prompting concern.
During our first session, she reported that she lives with her mom during the week and visits her dad every other weekend. This is common for many kids whom I see, as we live in a time of many diverse examples of family and parenting .
In therapy , she began to talk about feeling scared to mention her dad around her mom. When asked why, she shrugged and said, “Because it’ll make her mad.”
Over time, Nichole shared that her mom often referred to her dad as “lazy,” “useless,” or “a liar .” If Nichole came home happy after a weekend with him, her mom got cold or withdrew. "I can tell she's mad, and she doesn't talk to me for a couple days. I feel like I am in trouble," she reported. When Nichole says she misses her dad, her mom says things like, “He never cared about you when we were together,” or, "You'll see what he’s really like one day.”
In recent months, Nichole has been refusing to visit her dad, saying she doesn’t want to visit him anymore, not because she doesn’t enjoy being with him but because “it just makes things harder” at home. She often feels guilty, as if she is betraying her mom by loving her dad. In therapy, Nichole says, “this is why I wish I could cut myself in half.”
She was telling us, in the ways that only a child can, that she felt torn and confused.
What Is Parent-Bashing?
Parent bashing refers to the repeated criticizing, mocking, or demeaning of one parent by the other, especially in the presence of their child. Occasional venting is human—but a sustained, intentional pattern of turning a child against their other parent can cause relational and psychological harm.
This might look like:
Many of my clients have had such an experience and felt forced to take sides in a conflict that they should never have been a part of. Children raised in environments marked by coercive control or post-separation abuse frequently feel intense pressure to choose sides or feel torn and conflicted, like Nichole.
I find that children sometimes appear to align with the more aggressive or critical parent. While at first this can look like the child is siding with that parent, it is often because opposing them may lead to emotional distress or even direct harm. Such alignment can be a survival strategy, a way to stay safe.
When Does Bashing the Other Parent Become Abuse?
Like many forms of harmful behavior, speaking negatively about the other parent exists on a spectrum—from occasional, inappropriate comments to more pervasive hostile patterns. As a therapist who specializes in traumatic family dynamics, I often witness the long-term impact this experience can have on children, sometimes lasting well into adulthood.
While it's still inappropriate, occasionally venting frustration about a co-parent is likely a natural human response. However, when this behavior becomes a consistent pattern, especially within a context of ongoing dysfunction or emotional abuse , it can deeply affect a child’s sense of safety and self-worth .
In my experience, children raised in such environments often feel confused, anxious , or burdened with guilt . Many internalize the conflict, blaming themselves or feeling responsible for fixing it. Like Nichole, some develop negative self-perceptions, particularly when they identify with the parent being criticized.
As a survivor of this form of maltreatment, I can attest to the harmful effects it can have when it becomes excessive. It not only distorts a child’s sense of responsibility and fuels self-blame for their parents' conflict, but also impacts their ability to recognize and engage in healthy conflict resolution later in life.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
Katz, E. (2022). Coercive control in children’s and mothers’ lives. Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190922214.001.0001
Katz, E., Nikupeteri, A., & Laitinen, M. (2020). When coercive control continues to harm children: Post-separation fathering, stalking and domestic violence. Child Abuse Review, 29 (4), 310–324.
Kruk, E., & Harman, J. J. (2024). Countering Arguments Against Parental Alienation as A Form of Family Violence and Child Abuse. The American Journal of Family Therapy , 53 (2), 117–146.
Bernet, W. (2020). Introduction to parental alienation. In D. Lorandos and W. Bernet (Eds.), Parental Alienation: Science and Law (pp. 5–43), Charles C Thomas, Publisher, Limited.
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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