When Children Are Expected to Be the Adults
Personal Perspective: When kids are forced to suppress their emotions.
Posted June 3, 2026 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
One day, in the early weeks after starting my master’s program, I had a friend whose parents were going through a divorce. We were both in our early twenties, still children in many ways. I remember thinking it was so bizarre that she was so upset about her parents divorcing . I remember hearing her on the phone with both of them — this was before FaceTime was really a thing, so they must have been three-way calling — and she was crying while they both comforted her.
Both parents were comforting her .
That was the weirdest thing to me: having both parents consoling the child. I remember thinking it was such a frivolous thing to be upset about, and that it seemed childish for her to need comfort from her parents over something that, in my mind, didn’t really have anything to do with her anymore, now that she was an adult. (I know, I had a lot to learn in the empathy department, but read on to explore why).
When children are expected to suppress their pain and become adults
Holding children back in this way can rob them of the ability to develop and feel their own emotions.
Years later — well, if we’re being honest, decades later — I realize she was probably exactly where she should have been. Her parents were being appropriate by comforting and supporting her. She was the child. And, most importantly, she was their child . That doesn't change.
What was abnormal was my own experience: being robbed of the ability to show or express anger or sadness during my parents’ divorce. Instead, I was expected to act like an adult and help my mother, with neither parent, to my knowledge at least, taking into consideration what any of this was doing to my younger brother or me.
The more I let myself think about it, the more jealous I feel of people who were allowed to express anger toward their parents’ actions and were then comforted in the ways parents are supposed to comfort their children. I never had that. This concept is so completely foreign to me, yet so essential for both reparenting and for breaking this cycle of dysfunction.
For much of my life, I’ve wondered: if I had been allowed to have healthy emotions, and if those emotions had been supported or mirrored by healthy parents, would I have been more in touch with my feelings? Probably. Would I have carried much less anger in my younger years? That also seems highly likely.
I’ve spent a lot of years working through the trauma and anger that I carried with me for so long. And I think about how, when young people are unable to express anger about things they have every right to be upset about, those feelings don’t simply disappear. They stay with us. The anger just gets displaced.
We end up being angry at friends or peers, or taking it out on ourselves.
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.