What to Do When the Medical Profession Shames You
Sometimes we feel worse after a medical appointment; here's how to cope.
Posted July 31, 2025 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Allie, a 36-year-old physical therapist, saw a doctor to discuss her desire to get pregnant . The doctor immediately began commenting on Allie’s age and weight, even saying, “You know, everyone likes to have McDonald’s now and then, but you can’t eat it all the time.” Allie, a medical professional herself, was shocked at the doctor’s lack of tact and automatic assumptions about her health. While she wanted to fire back and defend herself against this inappropriate, judgmental, and unempathetic comment, she restrained herself, but carried feelings of humiliation and shame as she left her appointment.
This type of story is all too common. Often, patients are left feeling shamed, judged, and invalidated by providers. This is certainly not to suggest that all doctors lack bedside manner or compassion, but rather, that this is a commonly experienced phenomenon. I myself can relate. Many years ago, when I was in my mid-20s, I went to the emergency room for what turned out to be a panic attack. I was frightened and called my mother to meet me there. A nurse commented, “Oh, you needed your mommy to come.” That really hurt; I felt so silly and embarrassed despite the fact that I was overcome with anxiety and worry. I had gone to the ER for relief, but left with shame and embarrassment .
Patient Respect, Autonomy, and Self-Advocacy
What can we do when we experience medical shame? Though it can often feel that we just need to take it because they are professionals and we are not, it is important to recognize that, as patients, we have inalienable rights to respect, autonomy, and self-advocacy. Our physical health is a fragile thing; it can cause us to experience valid worry, stress , and anxiety, and to have a medical professional invalidate that is a deep and hurtful form of rejection. It is vital that we feel respected when we are in a medical setting; if we do not, we are liable to avoid medical care or necessary treatment, which, of course, can result in more serious problems. While the Hippocratic Oath emphasizes doing no harm to patients, it is important that this extends beyond physical harm and includes psychological and emotional harm, such as Allie and I experienced in our visits.
When you are a medical patient, you retain your autonomy. Though the medical professional is required to provide their best diagnosis and treatment, it is your ultimate decision on how to proceed. If Allie, for instance, decides that the doctor she saw is not one she would like to see again, it is within her personal autonomy and authority to seek a second opinion or to locate a different provider. She is under no obligation to continue treatment with a doctor whom she feels is not a good fit for her. Patient advocacy takes this concept a step further. Patients can and should ask questions, express opinions, and feel they have a voice in their medical appointments. Through autonomy and advocacy, we take the medical profession “off the pedestal” and ensure that we understand and agree with our treatment.
The Need for Clinical Empathy
We are much more than just our physical bodies; therefore, it is important to be cognizant of the intersection of the physical and the emotional. If, for instance, I go to the doctor with a medical concern, I am likely frightened and anxious about the possibility of it being a serious condition. If the medical professional sloughs off my concerns or does not take them seriously, I will immediately feel invalidated. The need for empathy requires medical professionals to find a balance between the clinical and the emotional. While some medical professionals are adept at this crossover, others tend too far toward the clinical side, causing patients to feel dehumanized. A combined understanding of physical and emotional health is important in ensuring proper patient care that truly “does no harm.”
Practical Tips for Medical Appointments
In my book, Understanding and Coping with Illness Anxiety, I outline some practical ways to advocate for yourself at medical appointments:
By taking these steps to ensure patient autonomy, you will set yourself up to have a positive, supportive, and productive relationship with your medical provider. When you are with the right provider for you, you are less likely to experience the type of medical shame that Allie experienced. Your physical health is sacred, and so it must be treated as such by those caring for you. If you have experienced medical shame, be sure you remember the following:
Lane, P. Understanding and Coping with Illness Anxiety. Routledge (2023).
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Phil Lane, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice and the author of the book Understanding and Coping with Illness Anxiety.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.