What Rebuilding Trust Looks Like in Couples Therapy
The processes of repair following betrayal.
Posted January 5, 2026 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Alicia and Greg skipped sharing their relationship history and went straight to the issue that brought them into couples therapy . Alicia began by disclosing that she had been having an affair with a coworker, something Greg had discovered by chance after seeing messages on her phone.
Both partners were equally distressed, but in different ways. Greg said that his life suddenly, and unfairly, became unfamiliar and unstable, involving a mix of anger , disappointment, and the pain of betrayal. Whereas for Alicia, there was a blend of guilt , anger, and uncertainty about what would happen next. (These are not real names or a single real case. This story reflects a combination of many situations I’ve seen in my practice and several theoretical approaches to relationship counseling and couples therapy.)
The Initial Phase of Rebuilding Trust: Stabilization and Boundaries
At this initial stage, my role as a couples therapist is not to understand a problem or repair the relationship but to help the partners stabilize enough to get through the immediate aftermath, e.g., mental health concerns, substance use, how much contact feels manageable, and who outside the relationship should or should not be involved.
Once some stability is established, we discuss boundaries , which are not meant as a punishment but agreements to protect both partners. When boundaries are in place, we can start focusing on what happened and clarifying the difference between the contributing factors and taking accountability for the action itself. Both partners need space to explore how distance had developed in their relationship prior to the affair. Affairs are often preceded by patterns such as emotional disengagement, unresolved conflict, or long-standing loneliness . Examining these dynamics in therapy may be uncomfortable because a betrayed partner may see that as an attempt to justify the betrayal.
To Separate or to Stay Together?
In the following sessions, the couple has to face a fundamental decision about whether to work toward rebuilding the relationship or consider separation, whether temporary or permanent. We typically explore all the costs and benefits related to each option. Importantly, rebuilding requires sustained effort, while separation can bring relief, especially in the short term. However, temporary separation poses serious risks to the potential for reconciliation, and permanent separation may lead to profound grief and related challenges. I aim to help partners consider these choices carefully and without pressure.
If a couple decides to work on repairing their relationship and trust, the process becomes ongoing, as progress rarely follows a straight line. Barriers, such as flashbacks, feelings of betrayal and disappointment, conflicts based on blame and accusations, and communication issues, can arise. Trust can be rebuilt in a relationship, but only through consistent actions and a willingness from both partners to do the work. Evidence-based models, including Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, offer helpful techniques that I often integrate into my work with couples.
One of the first areas we address in therapy for rebuilding trust is transparency, with the partner who had the affair being willing and ready to communicate in ways that establish reliability. For example, a betrayed partner may find it helpful if the other partner shares daily plans, is reachable, and explains any changes or delays. On the other hand, the betrayed partner must give their partner a consistent chance to show they can be trusted.
Another important element is the remorse of a participating partner, as genuine remorse involves more than apologizing. It includes taking full accountability for their actions, an understanding of the impact of their actions and a willingness to remain present with the partner’s pain while being mindful of defensiveness.
As the crisis eases, a couple is encouraged to spend time together that is not focused on the affair, with simple activities, shared routines, and normal conversations to reintroduce a sense of normalcy. This helps gradually return emotional and physical closeness.
- Making Sense of the Affair
To rebuild trust, we do not aim to go back to what once felt like the best time. The relationship has changed and entered a new phase. However, it is possible to restore safety, rebuild trust and develop a more intentional and transparent connection. Some couples describe their relationship as stronger afterward, not because betrayal is beneficial, but because the experience has forced difficult conversations and tough choices.
A couple may also decide not to continue the relationship, and in those cases, therapy addresses trauma effects, self-esteem issues, personal growth, and mental health concerns. The goal then is not a particular outcome, but a process that allows both people to move forward, taking separate paths.
Trust Building Over Time
Ultimately, restoring trust is not about a single conversation or moment of repair, but about what happens consistently over time. This includes consistent day-to-day engagement, such as keeping agreements, following through on commitments, and responding openly when difficult emotions arise. For the betrayed partner, trust grows when the words and actions of their partner align and when their pain is met without defensiveness or withdrawal. For the partner who had the affair, this process often requires patience, as fears, doubts, and questions may surface more than once.
To find a couples therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Solomon, R. C., & Flores, F. (2003). Building trust: In business, politics, relationships, and life . Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/0195161114.001.0001
Giacobbi, M., & Lalot, F. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy , 47 (1), e12483. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
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Diana Tutschek, M.S., is a licensed counselor specializing in mental health counseling, marriage counseling, and couples therapy.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.