What Is a Trauma Bond?
Why are trauma bonds so sticky, and why do we repeat them?
Updated May 11, 2026 | Reviewed by Ray Parker
The term " trauma bond " has recently become popular. Like many suddenly prominent terms, the meaning of trauma bond has been obscured.
These are painful and sometimes dangerous relationships, so it is urgently important that we understand them correctly.
The definition of a trauma bond is: “The development and course of strong emotional ties between persons where one person intermittently harasses, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other” (Dutton & Painter, 1981).
There is so much to unpack in this definition. Here are three things that I want you to pay special attention to:
Why Do We Repeat Them?
The fact that we repeat painful relationship dynamics is something that has vexed psychologists since at least the 1880s. Here are four theories about why we might repeatedly find ourselves in trauma bonds:
What Do We Do About Them?
Getting out of a trauma bond and making sure not to repeat it is a long process that requires a solid support network comprising friends, family, therapists, and coaches who can help you identify and imprint the patterns in your relationship.
It is also critical to strip away the shame. When we find ourselves repeating and getting stuck in trauma bonds, it’s crucial to understand that there is a reason for this . If we get stuck in shame, we will not see this reason and continue to get stuck and repeat.
The thing that you can do right this second, as well as throughout your healing journey, is to reconnect with yourself. You can do this in tiny ways:
This may sound too small to help with such a big problem, but neurobiology shows us why this is so powerful. The more we connect with ourselves, the more the mohawk of self-awareness lights up, and over time, the stronger that self becomes.
Dutton, D. & Painter S., “Traumatic Bonding: The Development of Emotional Attachments in Battered Women and Other Relationships of Intermittent Abuse,” Victimology: An International Journal 6, No. 1 (January 1981).
Freud, S. “Beyond the Pleasure Principle,” The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud , trans. James Strachey et al. (London: The Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psychoanalysis, 1955).
van der Kolk, B. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (New York: Penguin, 2015).
McDonald, M. Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong (Boulder: SoundsTrue, 2023).
Share this post Facebook Bluesky Linkedin Email
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy
MaryCatherine McDonald, Ph.D. , teaches at the College of the Holy Cross. She is the author of books including Unbroken: The Trauma Response Is Never Wrong.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.