What Happens to Couples After Miscarriage: Incongruent Grief
Pregnancy loss affects relationships, especially if partners grieve differently.
Posted July 21, 2024 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
It is not a myth that some couples break up after a miscarriage , while other couples come closer together. No doubt, pregnancy loss can make or break a relationship. This partly depends on how the two partners grieve about their unborn child and cope with pregnancy loss. It can be hard to know how to feel after pregnancy loss, let alone how to support your partner who miscarried.
Unraveling a recurrent dream
During the years of subfertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and threatened childlessness, which I narrate here, I had a recurrent dream. I kept dreaming that I was single. Despite being in a stable, long-term relationship in real life, this dream revisited me several times. In the dream, I was wandering around, encountering new places and people, mindlessly distracted by the hustle and bustle. Then, the same frightening realization would abruptly hit me, with the same terrible force each time. I was single. My body started to freeze and my heart beat faster. How could this happen? All of a sudden, I stood there utterly alone in a busy world passing by.
Decoding the meaning of my dream seemed simple enough. The dreaded scenario of a future without living children and the loneliness that I envisaged terrified me. However, there was something else too. The loneliness following pregnancy loss is multi-faceted. In my case, my partner did not share the same devastation and grief for the lost pregnancies and the prospect of a childless future.
On multiple occasions, my partner patiently explained that “it was different” for him. He had not experienced the same changes in his body as I did. He thought that his enthusiasm about our kids would probably kick in after they were born. Unlike me, my partner had not formed a strong attachment to our unborn children. Already a father, he did not face the prospect of a childless life. In contrast, the idea of us having a child-free life together was far from terrifying for him. As much as I rationally tried to accept his explanation, my recurrent dream was there to remind me of how alone these differences made me feel.
Incongruent grief: a common relationship breaker following pregnancy loss
This mismatch in our experiences had a scientific name. It's called incongruent grief, which describes how the two partners grieve for their unborn child in different ways. Obst and his colleagues (2020) report a consistent research finding across studies; women appear to experience higher levels of distress and more intense grief reactions than their male partners. Further, women express their grief more openly and want to share it with others. On the other hand, men typically bottle in emotions, occupy themselves with activities, and take up the role of supporting their partners.
Gender stereotypes may have well influenced the different ways that male and female partners grieve. The idea of a “real man” being stoic, unfaced by testing conditions, and a provider and protector for their family runs deeply in our society. This message can make it harder for men to connect with their sadness following pregnancy loss. Further, male partners may suppress their emotions to stay strong for the sake of their partner. These gender stereotypes may also affect same-sex couples, depending on each partner’s identification with aspects of male or female roles. Additional stereotypes surrounding gestational versus non-gestational partners may further affect same- sex couple’s grief.
The strength of each partner’s attachment to their unborn child is another unique factor that may impact the grief. A baby during pregnancy is not necessarily granted the status of a person, as I discuss in a post about the pioneering nature of baby loss certificates, recently introduced in England . Thus, while one partner may have developed a strong bond with their unborn baby, the other may have not. Often, but not always, the gestational partners develop this strong bond earlier on in pregnancy.
How can incongruent grief divide a couple following pregnancy loss?
There are at least three ways in which incongruent grief can spoil and erode a relationship.
What three tasks can help partners manage incongruent grief following pregnancy loss?
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
Obst, K.L., Due, C., Oxlad, M. et al. (2020)l Men’s grief following pregnancy loss and neonatal loss: a systematic review and emerging theoretical model. BMC Pregnancy Childbirth 20, 11
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Venetia Leonidaki, D.Clin.Psy., is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist with a particular interest in grief and addiction and a person with lived experience of perinatal loss.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.