What Does "High Maintenance" Actually Mean?

Improving high maintenance interactions requires identifying specific tendencies.

Updated May 5, 2026 | Reviewed by Devon Frye

Well into middle-age, I was surprised to find out that I was considered “high maintenance.” I don't see myself as needy or dramatic or critical or demanding of attention , so I asked my friends what they thought of the assessment.

None of them were surprised. And then they pointed out my devoted conscientiousness (and pickiness) about clothing, comfort, and my daily schedule.

After an initial self-assessment, I realized the truth of this observation. I pack heavy for trips, wanting distinctive, fashionable clothing that easily accommodates uncertain weather. I want the perfect table at a restaurant and the best seats at a show, or else my enjoyment will be compromised. I spend time arranging medical appointments, professional meetings, and even friendly gatherings so they fit comfortably into my personal schedule. We all need more maintenance as we age, but these behaviors go well beyond that.

What It Means to Be "High Maintenance"

“High maintenance” is a general description for individuals who demand considerable attention, effort, or emotional resources.

But the concept of high maintenance is complex, arising from different sources and appearing in different forms. It can be a combination of a few tendencies and behaviors, or just one, in abundance. The main complexity is that the concept of high maintenance is multifaceted.

12 Ways of Being High Maintenance

How to Approach and Manage High Maintenance Relationships

1. Identifying Persistent Tendencies

Before addressing and improving high maintenance interactions, we must first identify which tendency or set of behaviors requires undue attention. 1

Just one of the listed tendencies can lead to high maintenance interactions if taken to a dogged extreme. Interacting with someone who relentlessly seeks perfection will exhaust our emotional reserves, while also exhausting the reserves of the perfectionist. A friend who treats us like a therapist will narrow and redefine the friendship , ultimately resulting in confrontation or disengagement. Persistent criticism creates persistent stress . The same with dedicated dwelling on a past slight or a perceived injustice.

Of course, many of us engage in these behaviors on occasion. It’s the dominance and persistence that makes the difference.

2. Setting Clear Boundaries

Once we identify a persistent tendency that drains our resources, we need to communicate our limits diplomatically and precisely—even quantitatively, especially with time and money. Perhaps we can listen to a specific complaint for twenty minutes, and then we need to change the subject.

Boundaries should be established as soon as possible once high maintenance actions are identified. Without such boundaries, friends and romantic partners of high maintenance individuals often feel drained and overwhelmed. This applies to financial boundaries as well as emotional boundaries.

3. Considering How Individual Tendencies Combine

Sometimes, behavioral tendencies interact. Drawing on the five-factor model of personality traits, Lisa Burke considered the interaction between agreeableness and conscientiousness on judgments of high maintenance in students. 2

Burke proposes that if students are persistently conscientious, that does not mean they will be considered high maintenance. If they are also agreeable, they are thought of as low maintenance. If students are very conscientious but not agreeable, then they are considered high maintenance. (Also, if students are neither agreeable nor conscientious, they come across as moderately high maintenance.)

One broad lesson from this consideration of the five-factor model is that if people are agreeable, they are not high maintenance.

We can apply this message to ourselves as well. If we are very conscientious, then we should be agreeable to ourselves, which translates into being forgiving of our mistakes and more flexible with our expectations, sometimes lowering our requirements,

4. Encouraging Self-Reflection

Often, high maintenance individuals are not aware of their very persistent actions or how their actions distress others. I wasn’t aware of how my determined attention to detail affected others, and it helped to have others encourage focused self-reflection about this.

And while encouraging others to reflect, we can also consider our own responses to a high maintenance person and strive to better understand why a particular tendency distresses us so much.

5. Balancing Interactions

While focusing on someone else’s persistent tendencies, we should not be persistent ourselves. If a friend or loved one needs a lot of reassurance, we can endeavor to balance approval and support with encouragement of independence.

6. Practicing Patience

Reducing the rigidity that underlies high maintenance tendencies is difficult. As with yoga, new positions cannot be forced. They need to be eased into. Moderating a high maintenance person who’s especially inflexible requires commitment and patience.

7. Finding the Favorable

Being high maintenance is not a disorder or a diagnostic category in the DSM . It mainly refers to elevated demands and expectations that require extra care or consideration. Although high maintenance people are often difficult and sometimes overwhelming, they also have characteristics that are appealing and draw us to them.

Rather than encouraging a person to shed conscientiousness or pickiness, for example, we can consider helping that person become more agreeable. After all, there are also favorable terms for attention to detail or pickiness, such as expert, connoisseur, discerning, or having high standards.

When managing interactions with a high maintenance individual, we can look for rational justifications for a persistent tendency and then develop our understanding of this tendency. For example, conscientious attention to detail is necessary when writing a book—or a blog post.

Burke, L.A. (2004). High-Maintenance Students: A Conceptual Exploration and Implications . Journal of Management Education , 28 (6), 743-756. DOI: 10.1177/1052562903256492

Finkel, E. J., Campbell, W. K., & Brunell, A. B. (2006). High-maintenance interaction and self-regulation. Self and relationships: Connecting intrapersonal and interpersonal processes , 297-316.

Goleman, D. (2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ . Bantam Books.

Note 1. Our metaphors can guide us. If we feel we are walking on eggshells , not wanting to trigger a negative reaction, then we need to address defensiveness or over reactivity. If we are crossing a tightrope trying to balance approval and support with fostering independence, then we need to address the persistent need for reassurance.

Note 2. Agreeableness refers to kindness , helpfulness, and willingness to cooperate. Conscientiousness refers to self-control , diligence , and attention to detail.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.