Want More Joy in Your Life, and Fewer Demands? Start Here
Seeking more joy? Maybe it’s time to cultivate passion and excitement.
Posted January 18, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Ask Chris how she feels about her life on a typical day, and she says she has nothing to complain about: Work is “OK,” and her relationship with her partner is “fine.” Ask her what she gets excited about, and she takes a deep breath and pauses for a long moment. I’m thinking , she says, after a few beats.
Chris is not clinically depressed , with everything in her life shaded in deep grays, and a "why bother?" attitude as her default. Instead, she views her life through the absence of the negative rather than the presence of the positive. She struggles to feel excitement because she rarely finds it.
Chris isn't alone. I’ve met them, you’ve met them, or maybe you are one of them: people who have long given up on excitement and joy and have come to accept a life of OK and fine. It’s about personality , what you think about and do, about the way you run your life. Here are four common joy killers:
Being self-critical is like having a bully constantly watching you and scolding you for what they see as minor mistakes—what you said or didn’t say, what you failed to do, or what you overlooked. You’ve broken some rule, some code of conduct created by parents, authority figures, or society. And there are no statutes of limitations; you are never forgiven, and past offenses are always haunting you.
With perfectionism, you try to keep the bully at bay by acting preemptively and doing what she wants all the time—namely, not breaking the rules and making mistakes. Because you’re always looking ahead, fueled by anxiety , you never fully live in or can appreciate the present.
The roots of hypervigilance come from your childhood : You learned to always watch around corners to protect yourself in an unpredictable, often dangerous environment. And it worked—you knew when to lie low and stay in your room or walk on eggshells and not show your mother your spelling test.
The problem is that while it worked as a child, you often can’t turn it off; you’re still looking around corners, and like those with perfectionism, you’re driven by ongoing anxiety.
If perfectionism and hypervigilance shape your way of living, being "good" combines the worst aspects of both and becomes your default lifestyle. People who are "good" are often called "nice," tend to be self-critical, blame themselves rather than others, feel anxious, are constantly walking on eggshells, and are driven by an endless catalogue of rules and shoulds.
But a larger issue is that they adopt an “I’m happy if you’re happy” attitude, which leads them not only to anticipate problems but also to take on too much responsibility, bite their tongues to avoid conflict, put their needs aside, and feel like martyrs.
Anxiety, avoidance, and rule-following are the main barriers to joy. The path to happiness ? Confront them; cultivate the opposite. Here are five steps for starting:
Use that feeling of risk as a guide, and taking baby steps is perfectly fine.
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Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.