Want to Feel More Confident in the Bedroom? Start with This
The path to sexual self-confidence begins with fierce self-compassion.
Posted December 18, 2019 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Is there any topic more complicated than sex? At one level, sex is pretty simple. It’s a set of erotically-charged behaviors. At another level, sex is a gateway to our deepest human longings—for connection, for escape, for pleasure, for validation, for power.
We live in a largely “sex-negative” world, and most of us have spent years internalizing the message that sex is bad/dirty/wrong/sinful/dangerous. For those of us whose sexual identities, gender expressions, skin, and bodies are systemically marginalized in our culture, the message that “you are wrong as you are” can feel downright suffocating. These toxic messages meet up with the inescapable truth that sex evokes profound vulnerability—physical and psychological nakedness. And the result is a perfect storm of struggle!
But here's a modern twist. Today, we aren’t just bombarded with shaming and silencing messages about sex. We also absorb a set of well-meaning messages encouraging us to be confident in the bedroom. We are told to break free sexually—to be sex-positive, liberated, free, and bold. This opposing set of messages is a new variation on an old theme. The risk of internalizing the liberation-at-all-costs message is eerily similar to the risk of internalizing the puritanical message. That risk? Disconnection from self . Under this new paradigm, sex becomes a performance, an attempt to offload shame by proving your comfort with sexual expression, your freedom, and your prowess.
Therefore, if you are craving more confidence in the bedroom, you must begin with self-compassion. Our intimate relationships are a powerful crucible for growth and healing if we are committed to practicing relational self-awareness. Relational self-awareness is an ongoing curious and compassionate relationship with ourselves that becomes the foundation for a thriving intimate partnership. In my work as a relationship educator and couples therapist, what has become abundantly clear to me is that our relational self-awareness must include cultivating sexual self-awareness.
Sexual self-awareness requires us to shift from an outside-in experience of our sexuality to an inside-out experience of our sexuality, quieting the noise so that we can cultivate a deep, close, and nuanced understanding of our erotic self. Each of us deserves to feel at home in our skin, able to express our wants and needs in the bedroom. Each of us deserves an experience of erotic confidence that is authentic rather than performative. That is why the journey toward erotic confidence must be fueled by fierce self-compassion. According to researcher Dr. Kristin Neff , self-compassion has three aspects:
Self-compassion is about being on your own team. It is an ongoing commitment to forgiving yourself for not having it all figured out, for being imperfectly and deeply human. And it is a prerequisite for great sex.
Real-life sex is a far cry from what we see in movies or porn , and real-life lovers are far from perfect. Self-compassion helps us meet these moments with humor and playfulness, so that the “mistakes” become the stuff of intimacy not embarrassment , connection not despair. The degree to which we can reckon with our imperfections is the degree to which we can take risks in the bedroom—to ask for what we need, to lose ourselves in the moment, and to savor the experience of giving and receiving pleasure. Self-compassion helps us show up authentically so that we can create intimacy with another person. Real erotic confidence is a willingness to allow ourselves to be seen in our full humanity.
Your sexual self changes as you move through the chapters of your life, so it’s never too late to become more self-compassionate… and therefore more sexually confident. Here are some practices to get you started.
Carrying around at least some amount of sexual shame is the inevitable byproduct of growing up in this culture, so many of us need to practice shifting away from sexual shame and toward wholeheartedness. Pressuring yourself to be confident in the bedroom ends up creating a variation on a shame-filled narrative. Practicing compassion toward your beautiful, evolving, and imperfect sexual self creates a foundation for experiencing joy and connection in bed.
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Brotto, L.A. & Basson, R. (2014). Group Mindfulness-Based Therapy Significantly Improves Sexual Desire in Women. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 57, 43–54.
Mallory, A.B., Stanton, A.M. & Handy, A.B. (2019). Couples Sexual Communication and Dimensions of Sexual Function: A Meta-Analysis. The Journal of Sex Research, 56:7, 882-898.
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Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D. , is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern University’s Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.