Understanding Sexual Shame
Do you feel like your whole sexual self? If not, this could help explain why.
Posted May 4, 2026 | Reviewed by Davia Sills
Most people don’t struggle with sex because they want too much (or too little) of it. Most people struggle because, at some point, a vital part of themselves became difficult to feel and express, becoming split off from themselves.
What we often call “sexual problems”—compulsivity, avoidance, disconnection—are rarely just about sex. They are typically about a part of ourselves that, while natural, was experienced as “too much” for someone else.
Tapping into this early part of ourselves, and recovering and integrating this once shameful part, is key to sexual health as an adult and overall “erotic vitality.”
The Origins of Sexual Shame
As sex therapist Ray Robertson argues, we are sexual beings “from womb to tomb.” No one is born with a sense of shame around their sexuality or erotic impulses.
Even those of us with “good enough” parenting likely experienced some form of benign shame from a parent or relative. This may have been a parent blushing if we touch our genitals in front of them, or having a parent nudge us away from holding our “privates” while sucking our thumb or otherwise self-soothing. This is to say nothing about more overt forms of shame—referring to a child’s sexual instincts or curiosities as “dirty” or “perverted.”
For most of us, these overt or covert messages teach us something shameful about our sexuality—that we must keep it hidden or “managed” in order to preserve our parental bonds. While parents may be well-intentioned, many of us receive the message that keeping our sexuality ’to ourselves” is the best way to be in relation to others.
When this shame occurs, our authentic sexual self becomes split off from our dominant, conscious persona. On the one hand, we have the self that is relatable, controlled, and acceptable. On the other side, there remain erotic energies that are overly privatized and concealed.
As we age through puberty , something usually has to give. Many so-called addictive or compulsive behaviors develop in this context. We may retreat to masturbation or pornography in private as a way to self-soothe or sate an erotic curiosity. The risk here is not curiosity itself, but the relegation of this curiosity “behind the scenes”—the shameful or animalistic part of myself.
Managing Adult Relationships
Once we find ourselves in an attached romantic relationship , it can be hard to unwire this habituated pattern. We may engage in sex with another but still remain split off, sharing only what we feel is appropriate to share sexually. For instance, we may conceal particular affinities or fetishes or even our past or current enjoyment of pornography.
As in childhood , the same pattern plays out. We conceal and sacrifice our complete erotic self for the sake of attachment . Partnership matters far more than the relationship. Besides, our view of sex or sexuality tends to relegate it to a lesser value or ingredient in a healthy relationship.
Many people survive their whole lives managing their erotic splits; they may even transfer that erotic energy into what Freud called sublimation —the conversion of sexual drives into other, more “productive” outlets like work, creative pursuits, or athleticism .
Many, however, feel the inevitable pull of these energies, often living them out through affairs or online chats, etc. The 12-step addiction model tends to reinforce the split and the shame by treating sexual energies as a problem or disease to be managed and contained.
On the other hand, a sexual health model sees recovery and treatment as rooted in integration and being seen and validated for your whole, authentic sexual self.
One of the strongest and most powerful tools for managing sexual shame or compulsivity is to be recognized and seen as an erotic being without judgment. Another word for this is normalization—to accept our erotic vitality as a natural part of the self and not as something in need of eliminating.
Resolving and integrating the sexual self takes time and may first involve a therapist, and then a partner. It may also mean accepting a degree of sexual frustration—we may not be able to realize all of our sexual wishes. Being frustrated, however, is distinct from being negated or dismissed. This is the key difference that helps resolve the split of sexual shame.
Robertson, Ray. "Sexual Integration Therapy." ASTO conference (Association of Sex Therapists of Ontario), Toronto, May 2026.
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Nicholas Balaisis is a Registered Psychotherapist in Ontario. He works with both individuals and couples and has specializations in CBT/ DBT, EFT couples therapy, trauma, CBT-I (insomnia), sex therapy, and existential psychotherapy.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.