The "Zoom Out" Theory for Family Building

Stress may cause us to make decisions that don't fully factor in future desires.

Posted June 2, 2026 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

Many people on their family building journey are making some of the most significant decisions of their lives while living with stress and enourmous pressure. The Zoom Out Theory was created to help people take a step back from this stress so they can approach these important decisions with greater clarity and make the more informed decisions that their future self will feel grateful for.

Underlying this theory is something most of us have experienced. Stress narrows our field of vision, and we often don't even realize it.

You have probably had moments when you were nervous and said something embarrassing, snapped when you shouldn't have, or made yourself small so others could have center stage. Much of how we feel affects how we react and the decisions we make.

How Attention Shifts Under Stress

Most of us know that when our bodies feel threatened, our attention narrows to whatever seems like the immediate danger. Thousands of years ago, that might have been a lion. Today, your nervous system can't tell the difference between a lion and the threat of "I might never have a family" or "What if I make the wrong decision about a donor, an agency, or a surrogate?" Our bodies often react very quickly so we can get away from that lion and get to safety.

If we can understand this, then we can also appreciate that when a high-pressure decision is in front of us, our reaction may be influenced by that same stress response. And like the example with the lion, our bodies are designed to move quickly and then rest. The problem is that family building with fertility treatment is not a sprint, it is a marathon, and when we are continually feeling like the threat (i.e. waiting for a test result, choosing a donor or a surrogacy agency or meeting with your doctor) is nearby, stress grows, cortisol increases and we can become more anxious , depleted, and even more vulnerable to making decisions that will bring us relief or comfort.

In this moment of stress, fatigue and perhaps even tension with the people we love, choosing a donor who we “like”, selecting a doctor who is “nice”, or using an agency with good reviews may be the most comforting way to make these decisions. We all do this sometimes, but if you want to move the needle for your future self, it helps to not let comfort be the only thing steering the wheel.

Comfort is important. It is natural to want a good journey, a donor whose personality you admire, or a surrogate who lives nearby, but there are other ways to make these choices, such as ensuring psychological testing is completed, your clinics lab has good statistics, or your agency has with experience with cases like yours. Once you consider the long term implications for all of your choices, you may find that your initial desire is nice but perhaps not the most important issue in your decision.

Take A Step Back to Identify What Matters Most

Begin with any practice that helps your body feel more settled. This can be meditation , yoga, breathwork, or another grounding tool. When you're done, pause and notice:

You may have been stressed for so long that you may not even think you are stressed, but often after a few minutes of deep relaxation you can feel a shift. If not, repeat or try a different approach until you feel at least a small difference in how your body feels. Only then, move on.

When you're feeling calmer, ask yourself:

When I picture my ideal life (perhaps 1-3 years from now), what do I see?

Close your eyes for five minutes and imagine it in detail. Then write about:

3. Identify what matters most

When you have this picture in your mind, what are the three most important things about your life?

For example, you may say:

4. Identify what needs to be true to make this possible

Go through what you have written and mark each item one of three ways:

6. Reflect on where your energy goes

Look back at the items marked with an X. How much time, energy, and worry have you devoted to these in the past year? How has that affected you and your relationships?

You don't have to change everything. Simply noticing where your energy goes is a powerful first step.

7. Choose your next steps

Now focus on the circled and hearted items.

The goal is to keep reminding yourself of not just to what your stressed mind is trying to cope with, but to what your calmer self knows matters most.

Over time, some circled items may earn an X. That is not failure. It's often a sign that you are taking deeper care of yourself and your future family.

Zoom Theory ebook: https://familybuilding.net/newsletter/

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Lisa Schuman, LCSW , is a psychotherapist, author, researcher, podcast host, and expert in helping people navigate fertility treatment, donor conception, and surrogacy to have the families they desire.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.