The Words You Never Heard Growing Up
Understanding emotional neglect and how to meet your own needs now.
Posted June 1, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
What do you wish your parents had said to you?
Recently, I posted this question on my Facebook page, and I got many thoughtful and heartfelt responses. The quotes below are a direct sampling of them.
You have a right to your feelings, and the right to be heard and have them considered.
How do you feel? What do you want? I will help you figure life out.
Anything much. I don’t remember being talked to at all.
I love you. You are enough. I am proud of you.
There is nothing wrong with who you are.
Do you want to talk about it? You look upset.
My love for you is unconditional.
There’s nothing in this world you cannot do. So stand up, shoulders back, and go out there.
I wish they meant what they said.
That I was beautiful.
You can make mistakes, and I will not think any less of you. You don’t have to be perfect.
Don’t be scared. It will be alright. Things will go wrong, but it doesn’t matter. We’re all the same.
It’s OK to get angry/sad/mad.
Anything that wasn’t emotional abuse … anything that didn’t leave me feeling worthless or that I had to please them for their attention .
Why did I ask this particular question? Because in my experience as a psychologist, I have found that people are naturally far more able to think about and describe what they wish their parents had not done or said to them than what they wish their parents had done or said to them.
Childhood emotional neglect is, by definition, a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. Since it’s a lack of response, it is essentially nothing. How can nothing be something? How can nothing be a source of enduring pain and struggle? It seems unfathomable… until you see it day after day, in your office, as I have.
This distinction is also a fair description of the difference between abuse and neglect. Abuse is an action, whereas neglect is a lack of action. Our brains record and remember things that happened (like abuse), whereas our brains do not notice things that don’t happen (neglect).
Which seems worse: a parent who screams and yells? Or a parent who seldom talks with or engages with the child?
I have seen that failure to engage, notice, and affirm a child does just as much damage to the child as abuse, but the effects are different. An abused child will feel “hit,” verbally, physically, or emotionally; whereas a neglected child will feel bereft and “at sea,” unimportant, invalid, and alone.
I see childhood emotional neglect as one of the greatest potential threats to future generations. It’s difficult to stop something that’s invisible, intangible, unnoticeable, and unmemorable.
The subtlety of emotional neglect gives it extra power. Many adults who grew up with an absence of emotionally attentive observations and questions like those listed above do not recognize the harm that this absence has done to them. And even when they recognize it, they can’t quite believe or grasp it.
A few reviewers of my book, Running on Empty, have said that the recovery chapters are unrealistic because they are about helping readers give themselves the attention, validation, and structure that they did not get in childhood. However, I know that people with childhood emotional neglect can make tremendous progress toward this. It requires effort and motivation , but it is very much possible. I know this because I have watched it happen many times.
All of the emotionally neglected people who offered those many requests in response to my question hold a secret key. A key to fulfilling their own needs; a key that offers healing, solace, and fuel.
How to Give Yourself What You Never Got
And so on and so on, the answer lies within you. And it all starts with self-awareness.
Because once you realize what you didn’t get, this tells you what you need. And once you know what you need, you can give it to yourself. I hope that you will fight for what you didn’t get. Ask for help and accept support because you deserve it. And then you will have it to give to your own children.
This post also appears on emotionalneglect.com.
To determine whether you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
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Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author of two books, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.