The Women Who Said Yes to a Proposal but Meant No
Some women may not know how to turn down a proposal or that they even can.
Posted May 26, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
“What the hell was I going to do? Say no, and then we both walk back to the car together? And also, I had mentioned, it was not a healthy relationship. I wasn't sure what he would do. He was never physical, but it was always right on the edge, and you never wanted to do anything…”
That is how Lucy described her marriage proposal to me during an hour-long interview about her broken engagement. She elaborated:
“Every older person in my family married their high school sweetheart, and so I thought this is what is supposed to happen. The whole time he was talking I didn't want to say yes. I wanted to say no, but I didn't know how. It was like, okay, I’ll just say yes and figure it out later. Or maybe it will get better ... like maybe being engaged will make it different. Stupid kid stuff. It did not – spoiler alert – get better.”
Of the 34 straight women with a broken marriage engagement whom I interviewed for my PhD dissertation, seven of them (approximately 20%), told me that they said "yes" to the proposal because saying “no” did not seem like an option.
Some women just did not know what to do after saying yes, like Elle, who told me:
“We had no business ever being engaged. But I also didn’t know how to be unengaged.”
Victoria, who did not have a lot of relationship experience and came from an extremely religious family in which people married young, admitted that she did not even know that she had the option to say no:
“I was still like 18 or 19 I think, and so I was just kind of under the impression at that young age, that if someone asks you, you say yes.”
Still others were content in their relationship – healthy or not – and did not want to disrupt their status quo. Emily said:
“I would say I recognized it in my gut probably the second that he asked me to marry him, but I wasn't brave enough to throw everything upside down at that point. Because we were living together, I had no friends or family or anyone where we were. I was totally alone.”
Elana feared the social ramifications of saying no:
“And I think the engagement, it's the start of the wedding right, and like, how do you say no? How do you say no? Like I should have said no. I should have said no. And I didn't and I knew I should have. But I didn't…”
Women Break a Majority of Engagements and File for More Divorces
Despite initially saying yes to a proposal, all seven women eventually experienced a broken engagement.
Out of 34 interviews with straight women who made up 36 broken engagements – two women had two broken engagements— 61% (representing 22 engagements) broke the marriage engagement, while 14 (39%) of the engagements were broken by the man or were reported to be “mutual.”
Women breaking the majority of marriage engagements is consistent with data finding that women initiate filing for the majority of divorces.
Not Every Woman Can Walk Away
Still, not every woman I interviewed was strong enough to break her engagement.
Helen shared that she knew her relationship was not right, but at that point in her life, she had not yet found her voice and could not end it; she admitted to feeling immense gratitude when her fiance broke their engagement. Not everyone is so lucky. After interviewing more than 50 people who experienced a broken engagement, I feel confident in saying that there are also engaged couples who will marry, despite neither of them wanting to marry the other, because neither has the courage to speak up.
Making time to actually envision a married future with a partner can be helpful and eye-opening. Furthermore, couples should discuss marriage before even becoming engaged – doing so does not ruin a “surprise” proposal – as it should make both individuals feel more confident in moving forward. (Note: Public proposals should be used appropriately with a partner, not with the intention of applying pressure or manipulation.)
These interviews clarified for me that the need to end an engagement, or any relationship, might be uncomfortable for some people, but still quite manageable. For others – such as people-pleasers, the conflict-avoidant, those who fear hurting someone, individuals preoccupied with social status, or those who dread being alone and believe that a warm body is better than no body – the idea of being the one to end a relationship might be paralyzing.
However, if you are unable to end a poor relationship, what other personal needs or preferences are you unable to express to your partner? Do you feel safe with your partner? (There are resources available for people who do not feel safe.)
Whether it is a matter of finding your own voice, holding positive illusions about the likelihood of your own marriage success, or something else, pausing to look inward can offer helpful reflection and greater clarity with relationships.
Perhaps a question to ask yourself before starting a new relationship or taking a relationship to the next level is whether you are truly capable of (maturely) initiating a lasting breakup with someone. Before confidently saying yes in a relationship, it is important to understand that you have the capability to say no.
Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of family issues , 24 (5), 602-626. journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0192513X03254507
Fowers, B. J., Lyons, E., Montel, K. H., & Shaked, N. (2001). Positive illusions about marriage among married and single individuals. Journal of Family Psychology, 15 (1), 95–109. doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.15.1.95
Monk, J. K., Kanter, J. B., Jamison, T. B., & Russell, L. T. (2020). Beyond cold feet: Experiences of ending engagements and canceling weddings. Journal of social and personal relationships , 37 (12), 2921-2940. /doi.org/10.1177/0265407520942590
Riemann, W. B. (2022). Thank You, Next: Why People Break Marriage Engagements and the Helpful, Unhelpful, and Mixed Social Support They Receive Afterward [Unpublished doctoral dissertation]. George Mason University.
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Wendy Riemann, Ph.D., teaches communication courses at George Washington University, researches broken marriage engagements, and consults on strategic communication issues.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.