The Types of Affairs That Hurt Men and Women the Most
Research reveals which types of affairs hurt partners the most.
Updated May 6, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Infidelity is one of the most painful breaches of trust in a relationship. But not all affairs are the same—and neither are the ways they hurt. Whether you're trying to make sense of a betrayal, preparing for tough conversations in your relationship, or simply curious about what research says, understanding the different types of affairs can be clarifying.
Generally, affairs fall into three main categories: emotional, physical, and opportunistic. Each carries a different kind of weight—and depending on the person and the situation, their impact can land very differently.
1. Emotional Affairs: The Intimacy That Isn’t Physical
An emotional affair happens when someone builds a close, often secret emotional bond with someone outside of their relationship. There may be no physical contact, but the connection still crosses boundaries —especially when there's secrecy, emotional dependence, or confiding in someone else instead of your partner.
Signs of an emotional affair might include:
What makes emotional affairs especially hurtful is that they often feel like a deeper betrayal than a fling. There's a sense of being emotionally replaced, of having something once sacred now shared with someone else.
2. Physical Affairs: The Classic Breach of Boundaries
A physical affair involves sexual contact outside the primary relationship. It can be a single encounter or an ongoing connection. Sometimes it's driven by desire, sometimes by resentment or disconnection at home. Either way, it's a violation of trust that cuts deep.
Common traits of physical affairs include:
Even if the affair didn’t mean anything emotionally, the physical act alone raises questions about respect, commitment, and safety.
3. Opportunistic or Situational Affairs: When “It Just Happened”
This type of affair isn’t necessarily fueled by longing or dissatisfaction; it’s often about opportunity. Think a business trip, a night out, too many drinks, and one impulsive decision. These encounters may not involve deep emotional ties or premeditated betrayal, but they can still be devastating.
What sets opportunistic affairs apart:
Because they're impulsive, some people think they’re “less serious.” But when trust is broken—even just once—it can shake the entire foundation of a relationship.
What Research Shows About the Hurt
Every person will react differently to infidelity. But when researchers have surveyed people about what kind of betrayal—emotional or physical—would hurt more, a clear pattern tends to emerge.
What Tends to Hurt Men the Most
On average, men report feeling more distress over physical infidelity. In a study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior , researchers asked over 250 college students to imagine their partner either having sex with someone else or falling in love with someone else. A majority of men said the physical betrayal would upset them more.
That finding has been echoed in more recent surveys, including a study of over 60,000 people by Frederick and Fales (2016), in which over half of male participants reported that sexual infidelity felt more upsetting than emotional betrayal.
Even when no emotional connection was involved, many men in these studies described feeling rejected, humiliated, and deeply hurt by the idea of their partner being physically intimate with someone else.
What Tends to Hurt Women the Most
In contrast, women in those same studies more often said that emotional betrayal—when a partner develops feelings or emotional closeness with someone else—was more painful.
In Frederick and Fales’ study, 65% of women said they would be more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual cheating. Many described emotional betrayal as a sign that their partner had already “left” the relationship in some core way—even if they hadn’t physically strayed.
It’s Not Always Clear-Cut
These trends don’t apply to everyone. Some women feel gutted by physical affairs. Some men feel completely shattered by emotional cheating . And in many cases, the type of affair isn’t the only thing that matters; it’s how long it was hidden, how it was discovered, how the partner responds, and what kind of meaning is attached to it.
There’s also the gray area: some affairs are both emotional and physical, blurring the lines and multiplying the pain. What matters most is understanding how it made you feel and what you need to heal.
Healing After Betrayal
Whether you’ve been hurt or are trying to repair the damage you caused, healing after an affair is never easy, but it is possible. The type of affair can give you some insight into what happened and why, but recovery is really about how both people choose to show up moving forward.
If you’re the one who was betrayed:
If you’re the one who cheated:
For couples trying to move forward:
Affairs don't always follow a predictable pattern, and they don’t all hurt the same way. But understanding the type of betrayal that occurred—and the specific kind of pain it caused—can be the first step toward clarity and healing.
No matter what side of the story you're on, you’re not alone. With support, honesty, and time, healing can happen—and sometimes, relationships emerge not just intact, but stronger.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.