The Trouble with Relationship Labels
How do we define non-traditional relationships?
Updated January 22, 2026 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Michael and David are gay men who met on one of those cringy, yet stimulating, hookup apps. They flirted through the app’s messaging system before deciding to meet for lunch. Lunch? I know. How weird is that? What happened to down and dirty, meaningless sex? Yes, I’m being facetious. Actually, how thoughtful, refreshing, and lovely to meet for lunch.
Michael is a “mature” man. Okay, an older man (he’s sensitive about his age). He is intelligent, accomplished, well-educated, attractive (for his age, he would add), thoughtful, sweet, passionate, playful, and engaging. Although he has sexual relationships with other guys, Michael was not in a committed romantic relationship when he met David.
David is two decades younger, and all of the words used to describe Michael also pertain to David. Despite their generational divide, David and Michael share myriad common traits and interests. They are sympatico in many ways. And both men are affected by varying degrees of insecure anxious attachment . They seek reassurance and validation that they are desirable, lovable, and enough.
Oh, and this is kind of important; David lives with his partner of five years in a consensual non-monogamous relationship.
When Michael and David sat down for lunch, they explored their mutual attraction and spoke honestly about David’s predilection to be in relationship with more than one man. Michael and David both expressed a desire to explore an ongoing, emotional connection— not a one-night stand. After lunch, they took a walk and then kissed when they parted ways—more than once, just to be sure they felt tingles, which they both did. And so they agreed to meet again.
Now, six months later, Michael and David’s lunch date has evolved and blossomed into a full-scale romantic relationship. How do Michael and David describe their untraditional courtship? They don’t. It is what it is and doesn’t wear a label.
But then one day, a friend of Michael’s asked him point-blank, “Is David your boyfriend?” Michael sidestepped the question but got curious about it and wondered how David would define their union. Michael admitted he’d been reluctant to explore the topic because he was afraid that he and David might conceptualize their coupling differently, which could lead to hurt feelings. But Michael gritted his teeth and posed the question.
David responded by saying he didn’t really know but guessed maybe something like “friends with benefits.” Michael was crushed, his worst fear realized. The attachment and abandonment wounds Michael has experienced in his life have conditioned him to sometimes think the worst. David’s words cut deeply. Michael felt insulted and perceived a relational imbalance that could be tough to overcome.
David instantly realized that his characterization of their relationship had hurt Michael and quickly explained that he perceives FWB as something very special. But to Michael, and most of the world, it’s just a more endearing phrase for casual sex partners.
David then asked Michael how he viewed their relationship. Michael said he envisioned himself as a “secondary partner” to David. Now David objected, stating that establishing a hierarchical order diminished Michael’s importance, making him “less than” David’s nesting partner. David’s point is echoed by author Jessica Fern in her book, Polysecure , where she dispels the notion that “loving someone more means loving someone else less.”
After a bit more conversation, Michael began to feel more secure about David’s attachment to him, but the topic was too sensitive and emotional for them to dig any deeper. They agreed to simply embrace the relationship they have, and that it shall remain undefined and nameless.
Both men recognize that they have developed a strong and deep emotional bond, passionate romantic and sexual chemistry, playful and humorous rapport, and lively conversation that is vulnerable, thoughtful, intelligent, and meaningful. They feel safe with each other.
Over the course of their conversations, Michael and David have both articulated that their relationship is special and very important to each of them. They agree that they care deeply for and about one another and are grateful for each other’s presence in their life. And if someone asks the label question, each of them can honestly respond that the other is “a very special person in my life.” Period.
And yes, you’d be correct in assessing Michael and David’s behavior as avoidant. It is. And it’s perfectly reasonable and acceptable. Maybe at some point down the road, David will become more comfortable with the idea of creating a label to define and signify what he and Michael are to each other. But assigning a name such as boyfriend, lover, partner, or "special friend" is not a requirement, and the lack thereof does not diminish their bond.
Relationships are complex, meandering organisms that grow, stagnate, recede, rupture, repair, stretch, and evolve. Polyamorous relationships are especially intricate and nuanced. Maybe we’d all be better off if we stopped sweating the details and just be content with and grateful for what is. While labels are sometimes necessary and important, they are sometimes unnecessary and unimportant. It would behoove us to become more secure in the ambiguity of the undefined.
As the learned and wise author, Henri Nouwen, wrote, sometimes we need to “leave unanswered questions unanswered,” and as John, Paul, George, and Ringo sang, “Let it be.” Yes, the words are poetic and philosophically sound, but acceptance and integration of them into one’s belief system is a whole lot harder.
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Roger Cahak is a Licensed Psychotherapist, Group Facilitator, and Workshop Leader at Lieser Counseling Services in Chicago
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.