The Science of Love and Attachment
How understanding your brain chemicals can help you build lasting love.
Posted March 30, 2016 | Reviewed by Devon Frye
I get so breathless, when you call my name
I've often wondered, do you feel the same
There's a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
Falling in love can hit you hard—in mind and body. You feel irresistibly attracted to your crush. If things continue, you may feel a rush of euphoria, a longing to be together, passion, and excitement. You feel like you've found the most special, unique person in the world.
Fast forward a few years, and the excitement has likely gone down (except for a few lucky couples). But though the novelty may wear off, if all goes well, it has been replaced by a warm, comforting, nurturing type of feeling. You feel bonded in body, mind, and spirit. You share your hopes and dreams and work hard together to make them come true.
Each stage in this cycle can actually be explained by your brain chemistry—the neurotransmitters that get you revved up and the hormones that carry the feeling throughout your body.
According to anthropology professor Helen Fisher, there are three stages of falling in love. In each stage, a different set of brain chemicals run the show. These stages are lust, attraction , and love. I will discuss each below.
When you’re in the stage of lust, you feel physically attracted and drawn to to the object of your affection. You want to seduce them (or be seduced). There may be an element of mystery or an intensity that makes things exciting—imagine a hot one night stand.
Lust is driven primarily by the hormones testosterone in men and estrogen in women. Lust occurs across species and may be part of the basic drive to find a partner to spread our genes with. But lust is different than love. Injecting men with testosterone makes them desire a potential lover more, but not necessarily fall in love in any lasting way.
In the second stage, you begin to obsess about your lover and crave his presence. Your heart races and you don’t feel like sleeping or eating. You may even get sweaty palms. You feel a surge of extra energy and excitement as you fantasize about the things you’ll do together. These feelings are created by three chemicals: norepinephrine, dopamine , and serotonin .
Attachment involves wanting to make a more lasting commitment to your loved one. This is the point at which you may move in together, get married, and/or have children. After about four years in a relationship, dopamine decreases and attraction goes down. If things are going well, it gets replaced by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin , which create the desire to bond, affiliate with, and nurture your partner. You want to cuddle and be close and share your deepest secrets with him or her. You plan and dream together.
Understanding the science of lust, attraction, and attachment can help you develop more realistic expectations of your relationships. Below are some tools to guide you through the stages of love:
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Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. , is a licensed clinical psychologist and life coach practicing internationally via distance technologies. She is a former professor, national speaker, and the author of The Stress Proof Brain .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.