The Real Sex Lives of Men Over 65
By 65, most erections are history, but men can still enjoy great, orgasmic sex.
Posted March 31, 2017 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
As I write this, I’m pushing 70. That’s the younger side of old as demographers define it. But sexually, I’m elderly—and familiar with the changes that afflict aging men, notably gradual erection loss. This problem is more prevalent than many men admit. Fortunately, with a few adjustments, elder sex can feel as fulfilling as ever—maybe even better.
Surprise: Few Elder Men Take Erection Drugs
If elder men can raise erections, they usually owe them to Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. However, for many (most?) men over 65, the drugs turn out to be a disappointment:
Bottom line: Most men over 65 bid farewell to erections and penis-in-vagina intercourse and opt for other pleasures; mutual genital hand massage, oral sex, and toys.
Healthy Lifestyle Helps—Until It Doesn’t
Meanwhile, for 43 years, I’ve been a journalist specializing in health and sexuality . Studies abound showing that later-life sexual function decline can be delayed with a healthy lifestyle: daily exercise, no tobacco, a plant-based diet , sleeping eight hours a night, and no more than two alcoholic drinks a day. I’ve done my best to live that way, and thought (naively) that I was immunized against the sexual ravages of Time. Alas, no.
As sexual elderhood hit me below the belt, I stamped around the house, cursing Fate. My wife of 47 years said, “For God’s sake, Mike, you’ve been writing about this for eons. You know what’s happening and why. Get a grip.”
Eventually, I did. And like millions of older men before me, I discovered that erotic changes don’t necessarily scuttle sex. Yes, erection loss can be unnerving, but here’s the upside: Men don’t need erections to enjoy great sex and marvelous orgasms. This bears repeating: In an erotic context, with a supportive lover, men with semi-firm or even completely flaccid penises, can still experience great fun between the sheets capped by satisfying orgasms.
Before the Food and Drug Administration approved Viagra in 1998, the conventional wisdom was that older couples simply stopped having sex, so researchers didn’t focus on it. But since Viagra, over the past almost 20 years, elder sex has become a hot topic, and two recent Australian studies show that older men’s situation, while not horrible, isn’t pretty.
In one study (Hyde 2012), Australian aging researchers surveyed the health and sexuality of 3,274 mostly white, independent-living men aged 75 to 95 (average age 82). Respondents’ demographics— education , smoking , alcohol use, single vs. partnered, etc.—differed a bit from the U.S. but not by much, so the findings can be reasonably extrapolated to Americans:
Problem Whole Group (3,274) Partnered (857)
Lack of interest 48% 24%
Erectile dysfunction (ED) 49% 66%
Premature ejaculation 15% 26%
Difficulty ejaculating 39% 43%
Performance anxiety 20% 37%
Low testosterone 7% not determined
Compared with the whole group, erection problems were considerably more prevalent among men with regular sex partners. This is not surprising. It’s easier to raise erections during masturbation than partner sex. In solo sex, you only have yourself to please. In partner sex, the man’s needs and desires must mesh with the woman’s, and things get complicated and erections suffer.
The same was true for both premature ejaculation and difficulty ejaculating. Men having only solo sex have better ejaculatory control than those who have partner sex.
Despite general awareness that men’s sexual function declines with age, a considerable proportion of these men were still upset about it.
Finally, a good deal of direct-to-consumer advertising pitches older men on testosterone supplementation, and many physicians are happy to prescribe it. But in this sample, only 7 percent actually had “low T,” and among those who did, the hormone deficiency was associated with only one sex problem, lack of libido. Testosterone level had nothing to do with erection, orgasm , or ejaculatory control.
The main causes of this sample’s sex problems were not psychological problems or relationship issues but rather chronic health conditions: obesity, arthritis, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, sleep disorders, and high blood pressure.
As part of the Adelaide Male Aging Study (Martin, 2012), a different group of Australian researchers asked 271 men, aged 65 to 80, about their health, libido, and erections.
Risk factors for low libido included: anxiety, depression , insomnia , sedentary lifestyle, and more than two alcoholic drinks a day.
Risk factors for ED included: anxiety, depression, diabetes, insomnia, cancer, smoking, obesity (especially potbelly), high blood pressure medication, more than two alcoholic drinks a day, and obstructive sleep apnea (OSA).
Surprisingly, OSA, little investigated for ED, was the health problem most closely associated with it. OSA results from either a loss of muscle tone in throat tissue, or obesity-related excess throat tissue. People with apnea (mostly men) exhibit persistent snoring interrupted by choking silences that temporarily shut down airflow into the lungs. The breathing interruption sets off biological alarms that rouse the person, which restores airflow. But OSA disrupts sleep and reduces the amount of oxygen in the blood. Erection depends, in part, on normal blood oxygen. Apnea reduces it and contributes to ED.
Together, the two studies show:
You’re Never Too Old to Enjoy Great Sex
So somewhere between half and 90 percent of men over 65 suffer some level of ED. That's depressing. However, elderly couples who wish to remain sexual can still enjoy great sex and orgasms—if they make a few simple erotic adjustments:
Many older men respond to age-related sexual changes by retiring from sex, especially when erection drugs don’t work. If that’s how you decide to proceed, it’s your call. But I’m in my late sixties, and I can happily testify that without drugs, with the adjustments just mentioned, elder sex can feel as fulfilling as ever—maybe even better.
I would love to hear from older men and women involved with them. What can you add about the real sex lives of men over 65?
Surprisingly few older men use erection drugs
http://www.cvs.com/drug/viagra/patient-statistics
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/fashion/viagra-the-thrill-that-was-cu…
http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/news/20040804/young-men-lead-…
New York Times , March 28, 1998, “U.S. Approves Sale of Impotence Pill. Huge Market Seen.”
New York Times , Dec. 4, 2005. “Sales of Impotence Drugs are Declining.”
Banner, L.L. and R.U. Anderson. “Integrated Sildenafil and Cognitive-Behavior Sex Therapy for Psychgenic Erectile Dysfunction: A Pilot Study,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2007) 4(4, Pt 2):1117.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.