The Power of Accountability in Positive Change
Behavior change starts with empathy and the refusal to belittle someone.
Updated September 1, 2025 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Think of a time in your life when someone you respected—a mentor, coach, teacher, or parent figure—addressed a problematic behavior of yours with compassion and care. Perhaps they expressed empathy, asked thoughtful questions, and allowed you to come to your own conclusions about the consequences of your actions. If you expressed guilt or regret, they may have offered a safe space to explore how to make things right or change for the future.
Now recall a time when someone called you out in a way that immediately triggered shame or humiliation . Even if you agreed your behavior was problematic, their attack on your character and unwillingness to give you the benefit of the doubt may have shut down compassionate and respectful dialogue, and had you thinking more about yourself than anyone you may have harmed.
Can you feel the difference in your body? The first scenario is an example of someone holding you accountable with compassion. The second is an example of someone attempting to belittle or judge you into change. Which produced growth? (PS, if both did, you have skills!!)
Empathy, Guilt, and Remorse: Pathways to Growth
When someone both empathizes and holds you accountable, you might feel guilt (“I did something wrong”) and remorse (“I harmed someone and want to atone for this”). Research suggests that guilt, when experienced in a supportive context, can motivate reparative actions and foster personal growth (Tangney, Stuewig, & Mashek, 2007). Guilt has been shown to contribute to individuals recovering from addiction , righting wrongs, and healing disconnections (Brown, 2021).
Even when someone offers empathic accountability, we might feel shame. And yet, if we can take in their empathy, and offer self-compassion in the midst of our harmful behavior, we are more likely to be motivated for change, and avoid repeating past mistakes (Germer & Neff, 2013). Related to this, self-compassion linked to greater empathic concern, altruism , perspective taking, and forgiveness (ibid).
Shame and Empathy are Incompatible
Belittling and putting down someone rarely drives positive change. If the person internalizes the message, “I am bad,” they will feel shame. Shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (Brown, 2021, p. 247). Shame draws our focus inward and overrides our ability to empathize with others or recognize the harm we may have caused. While momentary shame can sometimes prompt us to stop harmful behavior in the moment (and perhaps later reflect on it), prolonged shame is correlated with addiction, violence, aggression , depression , eating disorders, and unethical or narcissistic behavior (Brown, 2021, p. 261; Kim, Thibodeau, & Jorgensen, 2011).
Humiliation and the Roots of Cruelty
“All the cruel and brutal things, even genocide, start with the humiliation of one individual.” —Kofi Annan
Humiliating someone does not produce positive change. If you belittle and put down someone, and they don’t feel they deserve it, they may experience humiliation—the painful feeling of being unjustly degraded or devalued (Brown, 2021, p. 263). Research has linked humiliation to increased risk of aggression and violence, particularly in contexts such as bullying and social exclusion (Torres & Bergner, 2010). In studies of school shooters, individuals who were bullied or spurned often became violent when humiliation was a prominent feeling (Brown, 2021, p. 265). Humiliation has been linked to radicalization vulnerability; humiliation prompts a desire for revenge or dignity restoration, leading to susceptibility to extremist ideologies (Abbas, et al, 2025). Radical groups can exploit feelings of humiliation in their recruitment tactics, offering a path to significance, dignity, redemption, and empowerment through violence (ibid).
When tempted to humiliate a bully, consider—are you further radicalizing them?
Accountability as a Tool for Positive Change
Accountability, when done right, can be a powerful tool for fostering growth. It involves clearly communicating expectations, providing support and resources, and focusing on the behavior rather than the person (Brown, 2021).
By approaching accountability with empathy, respect, and a focus on growth, we can create environments where people feel supported in making positive changes.
Mindfulness Exercise: Think of someone you would like to hold accountable for harmful behavior. Imagine approaching them. Consider your tone, body language , and words. What curiosity could you bring to the situation? Are there aspects of their behavior or perspective that are understandable? Do you imagine they might need validation, reassurance, comfort, guidance, protection, or provision? What can you offer to guide amends or repair?
Abbas, T., McNeil-Willson, R., Boyd-MacMillan, E., & DeMarinis, V. (2025). Humiliation and perceived power loss as drivers of radicalisation vulnerability in Northwestern Europe. Behavioral Sciences of Terrorism and Political Aggression , 1–22. https://doi.org/10.1080/19434472.2025.2488931
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience . Random House.
Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69 (8), 856–867. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22021
Kim, S., Thibodeau, R., & Jorgensen, R. S. (2011). Shame, guilt, and depressive symptoms: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 137 (1), 68–96. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021466
Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58 , 345–372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145
Torres, W. J., & Bergner, R. M. (2010). Humiliation: Its nature and consequences. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, 38 (2), 195–204. https://jaapl.org/content/38/2/195
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Jaimie Lusk, Psy.D., is a psychologist who guides veterans, operators, leaders, trailblazers, and creatives to navigate difficulties post-trauma and loss with clarity and purpose.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.