The Personality Trait That Can Make Life Feel Harder
Why the issue may not be your personality—but the fit.
Posted March 16, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
One of the most common misconceptions about personality is that certain traits are universally better than others.
We assume that being even-keeled is better than being emotionally sensitive, or that being conscientious is always a good thing.
But it isn’t quite that simple. Whether personality traits help or hinder largely depends on the context.
For example, I have a colleague who is quite low in neuroticism —the propensity for negative emotions. And while that sounds like a good thing, being stoic has gotten him into trouble with his wife on more than one occasion. She often feels like he doesn’t express appropriate outrage on her behalf when she tells him about the latest drama at work. Even though it isn’t my colleague’s intention, his wife feels like he’s dismissing her concerns when he says “it’ll be fine,” or jumps immediately into problem-solving.
Similarly, being too conscientious actually prevented one of my clients from getting promoted. She spent so much time responding to emails and double-checking her team's work that there wasn’t any room left for innovation and big-picture strategy. Upper management viewed her as indispensable, but at the same time, worried she wasn’t ready for the next step.
When Personality and Goals Clash
These examples illustrate an important principle: Personality traits aren’t good or bad; their utility depends on what you’re trying to accomplish.
Difficulties can arise when the personality patterns that once served you no longer align with your current goals. The same tendencies that helped you succeed in one season of life can create friction in another.
With my colleague, his easy-going optimism is one of the qualities that attracted his wife in the first place—despite causing friction now. The same attention to detail that led to early success in my client’s career was now standing in the way of her further development as a leader.
Examples of personality traits that can function as double-edged swords include:
Personality Isn’t Fixed
The encouraging news from modern personality research is that traits are not set in stone.
Psychologists define personality as your usual way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. And it is important to view your traits as descriptive labels, instead of causal mechanisms. In other words, when you take a personality test, your results are simply a summary of how you’ve behaved in the past. But they don’t dictate how you will behave in the future.
When people intentionally experiment with new ways of thinking and behaving—trying slightly different responses to familiar situations—they begin to gather new data about what it’s like to show up differently.
My colleague challenged himself to ask more questions and reflect his wife’s feelings back to her to make sure he truly understood where she was coming from. My client started closing her email and delegating more to her team so she had more time to think big.
Making these changes felt uncomfortable at first, but over time, they became the new normal.
This is what small, strategic personality shifts look like in practice.
The goal isn’t to totally reinvent yourself. It’s to adjust your patterns enough to improve the fit between who you are and the life you want to live now.
Editing Your Traits for a Better Fit
When life feels harder than it should, many people assume they simply need more discipline or motivation . But often the real issue is a mismatch between their personality patterns and the goals they’re trying to pursue. The traits that helped you succeed earlier in life may not perfectly fit the demands of the next stage. Instead of pushing yourself harder, it can be more useful to ask whether small adjustments to how you think and behave might reduce unnecessary friction and create a better fit between who you are and the life you want to build.
If you're interested in intentionally shifting your traits so they better align with your next chapter, check out The Personality Edit , my science-backed program for becoming the person who can create the life you want.
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Shannon Sauer-Zavala, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, treatment development researcher, and former lazy person.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.