The Paradox of Trying to Be Positive
Why real well-being starts with feeling, not forcing positivity.
Posted May 10, 2025 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Do you get the sense that positivity has become a kind of moral code? We're encouraged to focus on the bright side, reframe the negative, and show up with a smile—regardless of how we're actually feeling. Being upbeat and radiating positive vibes seems to be the only acceptable currency. But here's the paradox: In trying to be positive, we often end up disconnected—from ourselves, from others, and from what's really going on.
When Positivity Becomes Denial
There is, of course, value in finding solutions and making meaning out of difficult experiences. But when we try to overlay positivity in the moment before we've actually acknowledged what we’re feeling, it often becomes a form of denial . Emotions are messy, inconvenient, and at times overwhelming and difficult to interpret. Yet they play a vital role. They're not instructions; they're information. Much like the lights on a car dashboard, emotions signal that something needs our attention . Ignoring them doesn’t solve the problem. It often makes things worse.
And we don't just deny uncomfortable emotions—we deny what those emotions are pointing us toward. A flicker of sadness might indicate something we've outgrown. A sense of unease might point to a boundary being crossed. When we rush to neutralise or override these feelings with forced positivity, we miss the opportunity to understand ourselves more deeply.
The Role of Emotions in Decision-Making
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio proposed what’s called the "somatic marker hypothesis," which suggests that our emotions are key to decision-making . They act as internal signals that guide our choices by attaching feelings to potential outcomes. When we override or suppress these signals in favour of a mental narrative— "Just stay positive"— we cut ourselves off from valuable feedback.
Emotions often precede cognition . They arise from a deep, non-verbal place—an intuitive knowing that's rooted in the body. And they carry nuance. Feeling disappointed doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong; it might mean something matters. Feeling anxious doesn't always mean avoid; it can mean prepare. Without emotional fluency, we misread these cues or try to silence them altogether.
Cultural Pressure and Performative Positivity
But why do we do this? Often because feeling what we're actually feeling is uncomfortable. There’s also cultural reinforcement. Social media encourages us to present a life that looks successful, joyful, and ever-improving. This performative positivity can make us feel like we’re failing just for being human. When everyone else seems to be thriving, expressing sadness or anxiety feels like breaking some unwritten rule.
It’s not just social media either. In many families and workplaces, there's an unspoken rule that difficult emotions are to be avoided. Optimism is rewarded, and vulnerability can feel risky. Over time, we internalise the idea that only certain emotions are acceptable. We become practiced at bypassing our internal experience to maintain the external illusion.
Toxic Positivity and Emotional Suppression
This is where the concept of toxic positivity comes in—the idea that positivity becomes harmful when it invalidates real emotional experience. We might tell ourselves or others, "Don’t be so negative," or "Look on the bright side," with the best of intentions. But the result is often emotional suppression. And over time, this kind of suppression takes a toll. Studies have linked it to increased anxiety, depression , and burnout .
And ironically, the more we suppress, the more intense those suppressed emotions tend to become. What we resist doesn't disappear—it builds. And it can show up in unexpected ways: irritability, disconnection, fatigue, even physical symptoms.
When the Body Carries the Cost
The impacts don’t stop with mental health. There’s emerging evidence suggesting that chronic emotional suppression may also affect the body. Research from the University of Missouri found that patients with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) were more likely to also suffer from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome—conditions often linked to long-term stress and emotional strain.
Many clinicians working with people experiencing chronic pain, autoimmune conditions, or medically unexplained symptoms notice a common thread: unresolved emotional tension. While these conditions are complex and multifactorial, emotional suppression may play a significant role in the body’s stress response staying chronically activated.
The Power of Emotional Awareness
When we force ourselves to be positive, we bypass the very process that leads to authentic healing. Emotional awareness is not a detour from well-being—it’s the path to it. Psychological research shows that people who can name and describe their emotions with greater precision (a skill known as emotional granularity) are better able to regulate them, experience fewer symptoms of distress, and recover more quickly from adversity.
Emotional awareness doesn’t mean wallowing or getting stuck. It means being present. It means being curious. It means recognising that emotions move when we make space for them—and they stagnate when we don't. In this sense, positivity is something we can grow into, rather than impose.
From Positivity to Presence
So perhaps the invitation isn’t to be positive, but to be real. To meet ourselves where we are, without rushing to reframe or override. There’s a kind of strength that comes from allowing our feelings to move through, rather than muscling our way past them. And often, it's in that honest emotional presence that something deeper shifts—where true positivity, the kind that arises from clarity and connection, has a chance to emerge naturally.
The paradox is this: When we stop trying so hard to be positive, we create the conditions for a deeper, more grounded kind of well-being to arise. One that isn't fragile or dependent on circumstances, but rooted in the willingness to be with what is.
Damasio, A. (1994). Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain . Putnam.
The Decision Lab. Somatic Marker Hypothesis . https://thedecisionlab.com/reference-guide/psychology/somatic-marker-hypothesis
Pew Research Center (2025). Teens, Social Media, and Mental Health . https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2025/04/22/teens-social-media-and-mental-health/
University of Missouri School of Medicine. IBS Patients Suffer Higher Rates of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. https://medicine.missouri.edu/news/irritable-bowel-syndrome-patients-suffer-higher-rates-fibromyalgia-and-chronic-fatigue
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Kyle Davies, MPhil, is an associate fellow of the British Psychological Society and a frequent guest on ITV Wales News as well as radio and podcasts.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.