The One-Minute Habit That Can Deepen Any Relationship
Can you become a follow-upper?
Updated June 2, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
In a typical week, we might have several conversations with friends or coworkers that go something like this:
You: How are you? Friend: Good! Well…my mom is having a major surgery next week. I’m a bit worried about her, so I’ll be with her in the hospital. You: Oh no! I’m sorry about your mom. I hope the surgery goes well! Friend: Thanks! You: I’ll be thinking of you and your mom.
Most of us mean that sincerely. But let’s be honest: A week later, we’re probably not still thinking about the surgery. We say, “I’ll be thinking of you” because it’s kind and polite, but often that’s where the conversation ends. And that’s a missed opportunity.
Imagine the conversation going slightly differently:
You: Which day is the surgery? Friend: Thursday morning. It starts at 9 and should take about three hours. You: Is there anything I can do to support you this week? Friend: No, but I appreciate you asking.
Now imagine you send a text message on Wednesday night saying, “Thinking about you and your mom tomorrow. Hope the surgery goes smoothly.” Or perhaps you check in Thursday afternoon and ask, “How did the surgery go?” In other words, you circle back. You remember. You follow up. And this tiny one-minute action means a lot.
Following up sends several powerful signals to the other person:
Following up communicates genuine responsiveness. Relationship researchers Harry Reis and Shelly Gable describe responsiveness as one of the most important ingredients in close relationships. Responsiveness involves understanding another person’s needs, validating their feelings, and demonstrating care. Following up does all three.
It also satisfies two deep psychological needs: relatedness and mattering . When someone follows up with you, it sends a simple message: what you shared mattered, and you matter too.
Following up makes you a better friend and deepens your friendships. And although I focus on friendships here, this habit enhances many kinds of relationships, including those with coworkers, partners, spouses, and family members.
So here’s my challenge: Be a follow-upper— someone who habitually follows up with others .
Following Up Is Easy but Rare
Sadly, following up isn’t common. You might think the problem is a lack of skill, since some social actions require emotional intelligence . But following up doesn’t require much skill. In most cases, it simply involves sending a short text message.
Another reason people might give for not following up is poor memory . But that excuse doesn’t hold up. It doesn’t explain why we can remember to show up for our own medical appointments but not remember our friend’s mother’s surgery.
The real reason following up is uncommon is that it requires us to move beyond our default self-focus to take on our friends’ interests as if they’re our own. I don’t mean this judgmentally. It’s natural and human to care about our own concerns; it takes extra effort to extend the same care to someone else.
I’ll admit that I’m not a great follow-upper. But once I recognized the power of this small habit, I decided to experiment with doing it more deliberately. What did I learn from my own practice of following up? The lesson wasn’t that people appreciated the messages, although they did. The bigger surprise was what the habit did for me. Taking the time to remember and check in made me feel more connected to the people in my life.
How to Follow Up: A Four-Step Process
Here are four easy steps to help you practice the habit of following up, using the acronym FLOW.
F – Feelings. Pay attention to your friend’s emotions. Their feelings often reveal what matters most to them. If they seem excited, nervous, worried, or hopeful about something, that’s usually a good signal that it’s worth following up on. What if you can’t figure out what your friend is feeling? That’s OK. You could simply ask your friend how they’re feeling about an upcoming situation. In fact, you don’t even need to know exactly what they’re feeling. You just need to recognize that they care about something that matters to them.
L – Learn more. Ask a few questions and pay attention to details like dates and time. If your friend mentions a job interview, a medical appointment, a difficult conversation, or an exciting trip, ask when it is happening. Those details give you an opportunity to follow up later.
O – Organize a reminder. If you’re worried you’ll forget, write a quick note in your calendar or set a reminder on your phone. This takes only a few seconds but dramatically increases the chances that you will remember to reach out.
W – Write back later. On or near the day of the event, send a brief message. It might be a note wishing someone luck before a meeting, asking how an interview went, or checking in after a medical procedure. The message does not need to be long; its value lies in the fact that you remembered.
The Gift of a Follow-Upper
Let’s flip the script: Do you have a follow-upper in your own life—someone who listens carefully, remembers what you shared, and circles back to ask about it later?
Follow-uppers remind us that what we care about matters. Friends like that are a precious gift. If you haven’t already done so, thank them for being a follow-upper. And then pay it forward by becoming one yourself.
This post is Part 6 of a series on the Varieties of Goodness . It also appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude .
Facebook image: Callist0/Shutterstock
Reis, H. T., & Gable, S. L. (2015). Responsiveness. Current Opinion in Psychology , 1 , 67–71. doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2015.01.001
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Joel Wong, Ph.D., is a Provost Professor of Counseling Psychology at Indiana University who studies gratitude interventions and practices.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.