The One Factor That Makes or Breaks a Conversation
5 tips for ensuring your conversations flow well.
Updated March 15, 2026 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
There are two possibilities that can occur in a conversation – they want to listen to you or they don’t. They might hear some of your words, but the deciding factor that determines if someone will fully engage with you is flow. Are you interacting in a way that ensures they feel you are listening and responding to what they say? Or are you jumping to tell your story or explain your beliefs without acknowledging theirs? The back-and-forth flow must feel easy to relieve tension instead of creating friction.
If there isn’t a comfortable flow to the conversation where the people you talk to feel heard, understood, and that their thoughts are important even if you don’t agree, you won’t get the outcome you hope for.
Establish the Relationship With Intention
Author Ursula K. Le Guin wrote, “In most cases of people actually talking to one another, human communication cannot be reduced to information. The message not only involves, it is , a relationship between speaker and hearer.” 1 Every conversation is affected by the quality of the relationship in that moment. The way you receive and respond to what is said invites others to engage with you or makes them wary of your motives.
To establish a respectful flow, don’t enter with the intention to change the person. They must feel that you are calm, inviting, and accessible. Author Parker said, “The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved, it simply wants to be witnessed – to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is.” 2 Your desire to learn and understand creates a relationship of connection.
Start by setting the emotional tone before you speak one word. They should feel your open presence, that you care about who they are and you welcome their thoughts.
Maintaining this connection and flow then depends on how you listen. Before any conversation, determine what intention you have. To engage someone, your intention should be at least for one of these outcomes: 3
Maintain the Relationship With Curiosity and Acceptance
With one or more of these intentions in mind, follow these practices to keep the conversation flowing.
When a conversation flows well, both you and those you are with feel heard, understood, and respectfully accepted. These tips will help you get positive results even in difficult conversations.
1 Ursula K. Le Guin. “Telling Is Listening” Essay in T he Wave in the Mind: Talks and Essays on the Writer, the Reader, and the Imagination . Shambhala. February, 2004, p. 188.
2 Parker J. Palmer. “The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice.” Life Being Project . April 2016. https://onbeing.org/blog/the-gift-of-presence-the-perils-of-advice/
3 Marcia Reynolds. Coach the Person, Not the Problem 2nd Edition , Berrett-Koehler Publishers. March, 2026. pp. 81-83.
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Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. , is the author of three leadership books: Coach the Person, Not the Problem, The Discomfort Zone, and Wander Woman .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.