The Loneliness of Being in Love with a Narcissist
The need to be superior undermines relationships with narrcissists.
Posted April 22, 2026 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
If you’re in love with a narcissist, you’re most likely lonely , feeling like you're somehow not in sync with your partner. You may bounce from moments of delight to periods of desolation. The relationship can feel good at times but is not always satisfying. There is a reason for this. It is built into the structure of the relationship.
The one-up, one-down relationship
The “divide and conquer” approach to household management is common in modern relationships. This means that one partner does the bills while the other does the gardening, and everyone lives in harmony (or hopes to). The approach, such as divvying up household tasks, works well if the division is based on talents and interests and a mutually agreed-upon distribution of work. But what happens if one partner takes on a specific role because they believe their partner is incompetent or undeserving?
I once counseled a surgeon having trouble in his marriage who told me that he’d never met anyone smarter than himself. He reported frustration at home, stemming from his wife’s inability to show him the same deference that the nurses did in the operating room. Since the advice he gave was clearly the “right” advice, why didn’t she accept his direction without question? Why couldn’t she appreciate how extraordinarily talented he was?
Couples like these live in what can be called a “one up, one down” relationship. This kind of arrangement is common when one partner is a narcissist. In a healthy relationship, each partner believes that the other is as valuable as they are. You might be a better runner than your spouse, or a better baker, but you aren’t a better person than your spouse because of those advantages. At the end of the day, a good marriage is a connection between equals.
Narcissism, unfortunately, does not allow for equality in relationships. This is why narcissists typically struggle to truly love another person. It’s hard to see someone as your equal if you value superiority and are constantly working to be “the best,” which, by definition, is a party of one. It’s the goal of a narcissist, but it's a lonely place for their partner.
Tendencies in fringe politics or cult-like groups that push women into subordinate roles, under the guise of “traditional” lifestyles, may say more about narcissism than tradition. For a narcissist, feeling better than a spouse can prop up an impaired sense of self and reinforce a sense of superiority.
Modern society’s emphasis on extremes and competitive success
Modern society contributes to the problem. Current trends value achievement, talent, and skill in the extreme. Being the best is highly valued.
Social comparison theory and research over many years show that people derive part of their self-worth from how they compare to others. Am I better? Prettier? Smarter? More desirable than someone else? Based on their relative success in a given area, that positive comparison can translate into a self-concept that proves they actually are pretty, smart, or talented. However, this process can be overdone.
Comparative evaluations, taken to an extreme, always fall short of internal self-knowledge. A consistent need to be the best demands that the individual must consistently perform highly in order to feel good about themselves, a trait common among narcissists.
Extreme talent, beauty, charm, wealth, and achievement are admirable, but they are not the things that make one person love another. Those whom our current culture shows as worthy of love are often defined in comparative, competitive terms. Interestingly, modern societies have a higher occurrence of narcissistic personality disorders than traditional ones, partly because of the continuing emphasis on beauty, wealth, and power across media and public life.
The same attitudes have permeated education as well, especially for the young. When teachers and other childhood mentors push exceptionality as the pinnacle of the school experience—awards for highest GPA, state championships, art contests, and more—they are suggesting that being superior is the most desirable end. The lucky winner rests at the top.
The invisible qualities that matter
People who express real love for others often have trouble putting their finger on why they love them. That’s because so many valuable qualities, such as steadiness, kindness, and curiosity, are far less showy than characteristics like extreme beauty, ambition, or power. The subtler qualities are woven through a personality , so it can be hard to separate the traits from one another.
The invisible qualities are the ones that inspire true love. Empathy, kindness, a sense of humor , versatility, and adaptability are often cited by happy couples as the foundation of their relationships, but no one gets a blue ribbon for them or a framed award for the office wall.
Ultimately, because these qualities are not as readily seen or competitively recognized, couples who base their love for each other on invisible qualities tend to see each other as equals. When a wife tells her spouse how to tackle a problem, the other truly listens. When a husband shares a problem, criticism is not his partner’s first response.
All relationships struggle from time to time, and each must deal with conflict. But connection predicated on both affection and respect is essential. Inequality in a pair, with one being superior and the other inferior, undermines meaningful connection and emotional fulfillment. Inequality in a bonded pair is not the bedrock of a fulfilling, stable relationship that can carry a couple through the years.
Is your partner a narcissist?
Narcissism lies on a spectrum. Having a partner with a narcissistic trait or tendency is not necessarily a deal-killer. But how do you know whether the relationship can be improved? Narcissistic tendencies can be managed in therapy , but a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder is not easily changed.
True narcissistic relationships are toxic by definition. The narcissist’s need to feel superior is a construct around which an abusive and unhealthy bond can be established. Putting yourself in therapy to determine the degree of your partner’s impairment is always helpful.
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Mary Ann Little, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas, is the author of Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.