The Humility Intimacy Requires
4 behaviors that make all the difference in a relationship.
Posted June 2, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Couples get stuck in recurring conflict, frustration, avoidance, and resentment because they struggle to get out of their own way. When conflict erupts, both members may put up their protective guards. Unfortunately, a big part of their defense is a tendency to double down on their own perspectives and hold so firmly to that perspective that no other light can get in. Their internal thoughts reinforce a negative interaction, which increases negative thoughts. This can manifest in arguments chock-full of sharp criticisms and stonewalling.
Take Jack and Dianne: Dianne is infuriated that Jack is late again. She knows he is at work and is forgetting all about her. She knows she is last on his list. She knows he doesn’t even care about how she is feeling in this moment. The meaning of his lateness stings her and makes her angry instantly. Her whole body mobilizes; it is time for Jack to get the message that he is rude, disrespectful, and thoughtless. By the time Jack enters the restaurant, Dianne’s face is hot with anger . She tells him she’s had it with him. On guard, Jack lays into how hard he works and how tired he is and how over it he is. The couple leaves the restaurant without even ordering dinner.
This scenario may play out again and again for couples over a range of issues. Each member holds strong to their perspective, unwilling to let go of it even for a moment. Letting go and being curious with your partner often feels terrifying in the moment. Many come to think that if they are vulnerable with others, they will be dismissed, criticized, or invalidated. It’s easy to start to believe that expressing softer emotions or genuine curiosity means you are overly sensitive, weak, or a doormat. Anger feels like strength in these moments; a way to stand up for yourself. It’s often easier to just go with anger than to have to put it to the side and consider your more tender emotions or what might really be going on for your partner.
So, a couple has many repetitive conversations that follow this same pattern, but never the conversation —the one that would heal, patch up the pain, and enable the couple to go forward in harmony. To do this, however, requires letting go, a putting down of the sword. That can feel scary. Here are four ways to start this approach without overwhelming yourself:
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Jill P. Weber, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of Overcoming Stress-Induced Brain Fog: 10 Simple Ways to Find Focus, Improve Memory, and Feel Grounded.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.