A Hidden, Harmful Way Loving Parents Undermine Kids
When parents let this one emotion get the best of them their kids pay the price.
Updated August 15, 2025 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Most parents know how easy it is to fall into the occasional or even patterns of worry and anxiety about their kids. What parents don't see (because they are so immersed in it) is how their anxiety problematically changes how they parent. Every day in my family counseling practice, I see how parents' anxiety about their kids can make them be overprotective, overly directive, and unintentionally controlling.
As I have seen far too often over the years, while the above "overly" behaviors come from love, they can still hinder a child's growth. These behaviors of being overprotective, overly directive, and unilaterally controlling also send a message: "You can't manage your life without me."
In the remainder of this post, let's take a look at how parental anxiety can show up and how it affects children at different ages.
Maya and Her Near-Constant Shadow
When Maya, 4, and her mom, Lisa, are at the playground, Maya's opportunity for immersion in play gets derailed by hearing, "Careful." "Not so high." "Watch out, you'll fall!" Lisa is trying to prevent Maya from getting hurt, but her anxious vibes and tone chip away at Maya's willingness to explore and try new things. She starts to avoid climbing the fun, kid-friendly structures altogether.
The Impact: Kids pick up on parental fear and may internalize it as self-doubt, becoming hesitant or overly cautious.
Better Approach: Lisa could be available for supervision without constant connection. Using statements such as "I'm right here if you need me," instead of expressing warnings about each step Maya takes, would be emotionally healthier for Maya.
Jordan Stressed by Parents' Drive to Set Him Up for Success
Jordan, 10, is overscheduled. His after-school routine includes a chess club, math tutoring, and a swim team, all carefully selected by his parents.to maximize his chances of gaining success in his future. Driven by anxiety about the "super competitive world we live in," they manage Jordan's time so tightly that he doesn't have unstructured time to relax or have fun.
The Impact: Overscheduling can limit a child's creativity , self-reflection, and the ability to make independent choices. As I wrote in 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child , over-scheduling and over-controlling by parents sparks rebellion and oppositional behavior in kids of all ages.
Better Approach: Include space in a child's life for rest and encourage self-chosen activities. Trust that free time can build resilience just as much as structured pursuits.
Ava's Parents Are Her Social Gatekeepers
Ava wants to attend a school dance. Her father gives his own "song and dance," insisting to Ava that there will be "tons of peer pressure ." He insists on calling all parents involved and setting up strict conditions that leave Ava feeling embarrassed. Ava ends up skipping the dance rather than facing her father's imposed restrictions.
The Impact: Teens need safe opportunities to develop independence. Overcontrol from parents leads to secrecy, rebellion, and even social withdrawal.
Better Approach: Collaborate with your teen on the boundaries . Discuss your safety concerns openly, then agree on reasonable understandings that promote and preserve trust.
Marcus's Mom Wants Daily Check-ins
Are you eating enough? Sleeping okay? How is it going with your boss? Are you feeling the company is as promising as you thought it would be for you? Marcus's mom is feeling some severe empty-nest pain, which drives her anxiety and comes out as her wanting constant contact. Marcus, 25, begins to pull away, feeling smothered.
The Impact: Even in adulthood, excessive parental control and monitoring can strain relationships and hinder the development of independence.
Better approach: Shift from monitoring to mentoring. Ask open-ended questions about their life and express confidence in their abilities.
Anxiety can trick parents into thinking that control is the same thing as caring. But the more parents step out of fear, the less we allow our kids to develop self-confidence . Parenting from a place of calm does not mean ignoring risks; it means managing our anxiety so our kids have space to grow.
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Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.